The Journey Inward

Reverence - A Step Back

2011-12-17T21:28:00.001-05:00

Reverence - A Step Back

This painting was inspired by an experience/a vision I had a few months back.
It is also based on these words that came to me several months back.

Will write more about it in a future post. :-)

http://the-journey-inward.blogspot.com/2011/01/step-back.html

Step Back

You are in a room ... filled with pleasure, pain, conditioning, evaluation, understanding, solutions, techniques, love, knowledge, noise, silence, highs, lows, giving, taking.
You know all there is to know, you see all there is to see, there is expansion happening ... you are increasing your capacity and moving to the edge of the room... you hit the wall, you are feeling suffocated... the answers are all there... out there, one of those will work, one of those will open the lock... give the click... break this cycle... you are being pushed against the wall... nothing helping... no more room... you need a solution quick before you are squeezed out... help.. can't breathe... can't...
then ...
plop...
you did not know this wall was not solid...
you stepped one step back instead of pushing forward any more...
one step back...
plop
you fall into this huge empty space...
total silence...
total stillness...
the wall...
the wall is not a wall... it's a two way mirror...
now you see all of it...
the pleasure, pain, conditioning, evaluation, understanding, solutions, techniques, love, knowledge, noise, silence, highs, lows, giving, taking...
It is all happening in the silence... you can see it... all of it... the solution... it does not matter...
you have hands that can go through the mirror... pick what you want... bring it back to the stillness and it dissolves... it is gone... now pick the next...

Just one step back is this room...
one step back can take you into total stillness...
move till you can move no more...
search till you can search no more...
look till you can look no more...
fight till you can fight no more...
then take one more step... back...
you are there...
everyone has this room...
however all of us stay in the crowded room looking for a solution...
trying to push forward...
struggling to reach a goal...
stop...
now step back...

The solution is just one step back in the stillness...

~Shweta

Please visit my website:
http://www.creationsfromstillness.com/paintings/reverence-a-step-back

creating...sustaining...dissolving

2011-10-22T20:27:00.001-04:00

creating...sustaining...dissolving

My series of 3 paintings is based on this....
"Creating"... "Sustaining"... "Dissolving".
The first one is "creating"... In India during Navaratri, in Bengal, they celebrate "Durga Puja".
The first part is "creating" an idol...
The second part is "sustaining" the goddess.... by worship and celebrations...
The third part is "dissolving"... immersion of the idol.

The creating... sustaining... dissolving is a pattern that shows up every min of our life... and when I decided I wanted to paint this pattern, this idea came to mind. Thanks to Ma's blessings it did manifest nicely.

Dissolving

2011-10-22T20:24:00.003-04:00

Dissolving~by Shweta Mitra

"Dissolving"
This is the third part of a series of three...
The first one was "creating"... an idol of Ma Durga...
The second part was "sustaining" the goddess.... by worship and celebrations...
This is the third... "dissolving"... immersion of the idol.

Sustaining

2011-10-02T20:15:00.000-04:00

Sustaining

This is the second part of a series of three...
The first one was "creating"... an idol of Ma Durga...
http://the-journey-inward.blogspot.com/2011/06/creating.html

This second part is "sustaining" the goddess.... by worship and celebrations...

Happy Durga Puja/Navaratri All!!!

Please check my art website:

http://www.creationsfromstillness.com/paintings/sustaining

Lotus Feet

2011-07-15T00:00:00.010-04:00

This one is for all my gurus, on guru purnima.

_/\_

Lotus Feet

Mere Gurudev - Krishna Das

Creating

2011-06-30T14:04:00.001-04:00

Creating

This is the first part of a series of three...

The first one is "creating"... In India during Navaratri, in Bengal, they celebrate "Durga Puja".
The first part is "creating" an idol...
The second part is "sustaining" the goddess.... by worship and celebrations...
The third part is "dissolving"... immersion of the idol.
My series of 3 paintings is based on this....
"Creating"... "Sustaining"... "Dissolving".

Please check my art website:
http://www.creationsfromstillness.com/paintings/creating

Daddy's Little Girl

2011-05-10T21:32:00.001-04:00

Daddy's Little Girl

In most of my painting, I try to capture the "human" aspect of the scene I am trying to depict.

In this one I tried to capture the "Oh Daddy, I love you. please don't be sad" looks in a daughter's eyes... the memories of childhood and playing with daddy, but not sure how to react when she sees her strong daddy sad. Her father is trying his best not to cry... he has that "losing my baby" looks and yet so happy to watch his angel grow up into a beautiful lady.

Daddy's Little Girl - the dress

Living Knowing Wholeness

2011-04-03T19:13:00.004-04:00

Living Knowing Wholeness ~ Shweta Mitra

This is my first attempt at painting a scenery. It took a while to get the techniques, but was a lovely experience.

The painting has a lot of symbolism in it, I will write more about it soon. :)

Formless Forming

2011-03-04T19:50:00.003-05:00

Formless Forming

Formless Forming (Closeup)

This is a painting of Ardhanarishvara. It is half Shiva, the formless divine, and half Parvati, the goddess, the manifest, the form (ing). It also represents the stillness and movement aspect present in all of us at every moment.

The painting also symbolizes the changes we experience in out spiritual journey. The mountains are solid ice, as we being our spiritual journey, we are like this solid piece of ice, we slowly melt into water which is not as rigid, more fluid, more flowing, and later we become akasha, the sky, completely unbound.

Radiance

2011-01-27T10:56:00.001-05:00

Radiance ~by Shweta Mitra

Step Back

2011-01-10T18:27:00.002-05:00

Loving...

2011-01-09T20:58:00.000-05:00

I send love to you and you and you...

Wonder if I can send love to one who is not ready...

Wonder if I can heal with this loving...

Wonder...
...
..
.

I don't own this loving...

This love is not mine to give away...

I am but a mere conduit though which it flows.

This loving does not discriminate...

This loving is divine...

This loving just loves.

This loving just is.

♥

~Shweta Mitra

A Bride ~ Longing

2011-01-03T21:17:00.003-05:00

"Longing" ~ Painting by Shweta Mitra

Ah Jaa Tenu Akhiyan Udeek Diyan ~ Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan

Original Translations:

00:16 - Without you my heart will collapse,
00:28 - What is the point of my living(without you)?
00:37 - in my (every) pore, in my (every) vein, the beat of your remembrance is playing.
00:45 - come! My eyes are yearning, My heart is shouting out to you.
00:54 - Come O' foreign one, I plead for the sake of Love.
00:58 - (chorus) At last come! My eyes long for you, O' Beloved, My eyes long for you.
01:24 - My dear, Since you have been upset with me, even the crows have forgotten their speech
01:37 - (chorus) At last come! My eyes long for you, O' Beloved, My eyes long for you.
02:01 - I have grown tired of looking at the many trails, I have grown weary staying alone,
02:17 - I count every single heartbeat I spend,
02:25 - Come O' foreign one, I plead for the sake of Love.
02:29 - (chorus) At last come! My eyes long for you, O' Beloved, My eyes long for you.
03:14 - O wilful one, don not be neglecting, every piece of mine is coming to you with love.
03:25 - swiftly come dear! My eyes long for you
03:53 - countless times I have climbed the terrace and I have come down Countless times.
04:07 - neither peace at my heart or patients in my eyes, Nor do I forget the lovely appearance.
04:17 - This love anguishes me and I call to you crying out "finally come Beloved, Don't go Beloved, You win and I lose!"
04:30 - swiftly come dear! My eyes long for you
Raag and duo
06:40 - swiftly come dear! My eyes long for you#
06:51 - when the outside wind flows, My heart starts beating. I come looking whenever the crow speaks*2.
07:07 - Shall I inform you of how this separation is killing me? Come O' distant one, For the sake of Love!
07:20 - At last come! My eyes long for you, O' Beloved, My eyes long for you.

Source: http://asooke.com/videos-ah-jaa-tenu-akhiyan-udeek-diyan--[UyjsoO4islY].cfm

Stillness Dancing

2010-12-04T18:02:00.004-05:00

Stillness Dancing ~ by Shweta Mitra Dec 2010

The idea for this painting came to me in meditation. It is a way to show how everything arises from stillness. The following piece was written by Doug Sandlin (thanks Doug ☺) at my request. I was having a tough time putting my thoughts/feelings into words, so I told him what the painting represented, and he came up with the overview below. It explains everything I wanted to express and more. The main symbolism of Shiva being the stillness, and the dancer being the manifest, the movement, the dancing of the stillness, are what I was expressing through the painting. However, Doug managed to find so many more symbols in the painting than I realized were even there, originally. As with most of my paintings, there was unintentional symbolism that manifested directly from the stillness. I am so very grateful, and feel so blessed, that the stillness, the divine, expresses itself through me, in form of these paintings.

On the left-hand side we see a Shiva Linga, a symbol for Lord Shiva, our own limitless stillness.

The Goddess-as-dancer is the creative aspect of every moment, now. Every aspect of her being and adornment, from her peaceful presence, to the beauty of her clothing, to the sacred mudras formed by her hands, are symbolic of the Goddess, Shakti; the pure power and potential of our stillness, dancing.

As stillness begins dancing out in manifestation, it first moves as pure, indistinct potential. Then, forming and displaying fully, and finally subsiding back into its original stillness; making way for the next moment, the next movement, the next ever-new display of the eternal dancing of stillness, now. This is reflected in the painting by the scene becoming more distinct as our gaze moves to the right, from the stillness of the Shiva Linga, to the dancing of his power; the Goddess, Shakti.

Every moment, every perception, every life, every universe, is comprised of these two who are actually, ever One; Shiva and Shakti, emptiness and form; consciousness and bliss; liberation and enjoyment.

The three levels of the temple, like the three horizontal stripes on the Shiva linga, represent the triadic-yet-unified nature of reality, symbolized in all the world’s religions and spiritual traditions: wholeness, diversity and the mixture of the two; emptiness, form and the mixture of the two, and so on. The temple’s levels symbolize manifested, active reality: dancing. The linga’s stripes symbolize unmanifest reality at rest: stillness.

Shiva and Shakti eternally dancing in the infinite temple of the heart; Hridayam in Sanskrit; literally the Center of This.

What is this center?

We are; humanity.

Each moment of human experience, is where Shiva, the stillness of our original unbound awareness, and Shakti, the movements, display and celebrations of living unbound now, perform the dancing of stillness; the beautiful reality of our lives.

~ Doug Sandlin

Sonata

2010-09-28T17:28:00.002-04:00

"Sonata" ~ by Shweta Mitra Sept 2010

This painting is of my other daughter. It's a painting of things she loves, right from the colors, to the music she's playing, to her piano. She even gave the painting its name: Sonata. The day I took the pictures of her at the piano that were used in creating this painting, she was playing Moonlight Sonata; her favorite.

At first I was not sure about the name "Sonata", but I realized that it actually fits so beautifully with the post I did earlier, and so, it's actually perfect. A Sonata is a piece of music with three (or four) independent movements varying in key, mood, and tempo. Like the three phases I talked about in my previous post.

Reflection...

2010-08-15T20:15:00.003-04:00


"Reflection" ~ by Shweta Mitra Aug 2010

This is a painting of my daughter. This was her idea, to paint her in a mirror, like this. She is doing what she loves the most, reading. In order to make it look more like a mirror than a painting of a painting, we decided to put something in front of the mirror. I asked her what she'd like to have, there. She just got this Indian bamboo flute (bansuri) a few days back, and we decided to use that in the painting.

A friend of mine saw this painting and said, "do you realize you have Krishna in every one of your paintings?"

I had to think about it. Yes, I did start with the first painting of the cosmic romance of Radha and Krishna. My next one was the "Milkmaid". Well, that wasn't connected with Krishna, per se; well, not intentionally, anyway, but yes, milkmaids or gopis in Sanskrit, are associated with Krishna. My next painting was Radhika, ... hmmmmm.... Then, next, was "Devotion", a painting of Mirabai, with the peacock feather; an intentional symbol of Krishna, that time. And now, my daughter with her flute, the instrument associated with Krishna... again unintentional. I guess Krishna has had a way of showing up in all my paintings, even though I wasn't consciously aware of this. I feel really blessed. ☺

Unveiling, Realizing, Being "That"

2010-08-14T10:34:00.002-04:00

The definition of enlightenment is so varied, that it is impossible to fit all the ideas that people have about enlightenment into one definition. In this post, I am going to talk about the basic "I am that" model of enlightenment.

There are 3 main stages to "I am that" (enlightenment) that I have experienced. The first are glimpses into "I am that"; an unveiling of the truth of "I am that". Once out of these experiences, these glimpses, we go back to feeling like a part of the dream. I refer to these experiences as awakenings. When these awakenings happen, there is no turning back. Once we have tasted the nectar, there is no un-tasting it.

Then, there comes a point when we realize/know "I am that". At this point, there is still a tendency to attach attention to the ups and downs of the body-mind. However, there is an inner realization/knowing (beyond the mind) that all that is happening in the experiences of the body-mind is not us; not who we actually are. We are just a screen on which it is all happening; pure, clear consciousness, witnessing all events. The focus shifts from wishing "I am that" to realizing/knowing "I am that".

Then comes being "that". It is the “that” we only had glimpses into and later felt we had an inner knowing of , we now become that "that". When this happens, there is uninhibited joy, and freedom; living unbound. Now the focus shifts from realizing/knowing "I am that" to being "that". We now know ourselves as the pure, changeless freedom beyond all form. A solid wall of completely fluid, boundaryless awareness that encompasses all. Although this is the ultimate stage, it is far from final, there is further expansion in every moment after this.

One way to explain this is to say there is an infant, a child and an adult. When we are a child, we cannot become an infant again, but we continue to grow as a child. Then, when we become an adult, there is no going back to being a child, but there is still growing as an adult. Similarly, when there is a realizing/knowing of "I am that", there is still growth but there is no more going back to wishing "I am that" and then when there is being “that”, there is still growth, but there is no going back to the stage of knowing "I am that".

The experience of being "that" is really beyond words, and even beyond experience. Ultimately the “that” is what we really are. "That" is the experiencer of all experiencing and all that is experienced; awareness, our true nature, the witness, the screen, pure consciousness, all the content of every moment now, from the subtlest thought or feeling, to all forms and emotions contained in this moment now, is all contained in "that".

Here is something I had written to Yogani a couple of months back. All I can say is, all of this has just become more solid, but in the most fluid way; one of those paradoxes. ☺:

There is so much perfection in every moment. Life is lived moment by moment. No trying to live in the moment, just living, not an effort, no other way to do it. Nothing to make it happen. Making anything happen needs effort, and there is no effort. I am where I am and there is nowhere else to be or want to be. Ideas, creativity, loving, just flowing without any intention, without any effort. Emotions are experienced at the moment without judgment, then gone like a dream. If it is not happening now, it is not happening.

It's been a two months like this. My mind still jumps in and says there is going to be a falling out, but it does not matter what the mind says. I have talked a lot about bringing attention back to the now and being present. But when this started happening without trying it was like: ‘Wow! What's this?’ I did not say much to anyone around me, but there is so much uncalled for joy, so much unknown happiness. Even being upset and angry is just momentary, like something the body is doing, but then it is back to the joy.

I also see how things are so ingrained in us. The stronger the mind story we had, the stronger the attachment to the block. Letting go of a block is just untangling the story from every cell in awareness (inner silence), and watching it drop away. Again, no effort. With practice and slight intention (like samyama), it just happens.

Learning samyama was huge. It is the best tool ever. Asking for something is just asking and letting it go. The more you can let go, the easier it gets for it to happen. This is siddhi. All siddhis are just that: how much you can let it go. The more you can let go in stillness, the more it has a chance of manifesting. Hence I can make things happen that don't mean much to my deepest longing. But things that are close to heart, the letting go is harder, there is that little bit of pull and story in mind that keeps a slight desire in place, not allowing a complete letting go. But when I can really let go, things happen.

It feels like I am gliding/floating instead of walking. And it feels like I am constantly dancing to the music of stillness. Even when people around me are grumpy, I am still in joy and it sort of rubs off on them. They are still grumpy but they cannot be mean. It's like the joy is infectious, and although people don't want to become ungrumpy, they just cannot be mean any more. They go back to showing their disapproval but the pure happiness that flows cannot be ignored. It is like being in presence of a baby, the baby is happy for no reason, and others around may be upset, but when they see the smile on the child's face and feel the innocent happiness, there isn't much they can do but smile. They can go back to being grumpy after that, but for a few moments they enjoy the unadulterated happiness. It feels just like that.

Anyway, it is all true, all I had heard and read; all of it is true. And I am just amazed at the simplicity and beauty of this, as I watch in awe at the power of letting go and the beauty of being "that".

***the painting of the peacock feather above is a part of one of my paintings called "Devotion".

Devotion

2010-07-24T20:16:00.000-04:00

"Devotion" ~ By Shweta Mitra

This is my first original painting. It originally came to me as a vision during meditation. I was not sure how I was going to be able to make the vision into a painting. However, once I started, it flowed beautifully. The lady in the painting is Mirabai, who is considered to be the epitome of devotion, in India. She has been an inspiration to me in my spiritual path, and I am blessed to have had the opportunity to paint her.

I will end with a poem by Mirabai:

Strange is the Path of love

Do not mention the name of love,
O my simple-minded companion.
Strange is the path
When you offer your love.
Your body is crushed at the first step.

If you want to offer love
Be prepared to cut off your head
And sit on it.
Be like the moth,
Which circles the lamp and offers its body.
Be like the deer, which, on hearing the horn,
Offers its head to the hunter.
Be like the partridge,
Which swallows burning coals
In love of the moon.
Be like the fish
Which yields up its life
When separated from the sea.
Be like the bee,
Entrapped in the closing petals of the lotus.

Mira's lord is the courtly Giridhara.
She says: Offer your mind
To those lotus feet.

~Mirabai

Stillness Speaks....

2010-07-16T10:08:00.001-04:00

(A few insights that have come to me on this journey)

It is ALL in the mind!!!

If it is not happening right now... it is not happening. ☺

When there is constriction, when we are closed off, we belong to our minds; when there is openness, when there is awareness, our mind belongs to us.

Don't try to put words around an experience... that defines/draws boundaries around something that is ever changing. Why try to close the ever changing, ever expanding stillness into the walls, boundaries drawn by words... just live and grow with them. (June 30th 2010)

A situation is only as intense as the attachment to the story behind it. (July 27th 2010)

Radhika

2010-06-26T10:08:00.003-04:00

~Painting by Shweta Mitra - May 2010

based on the painting "Jayashri – Krishna Pleading." by Syamarani dasi.

The first time I saw this painting, I knew I wanted to paint it. I have not managed to find the name of the artist who did this one, however, the original painting was done by Syamarani Dasi, who is an amazing artist. I did not know about her, till I went hunting for the artist who I should give credit to for the original of this painting.

I try to stay as close to the original painting as possible, however, at some point the face changes and takes on a form of its own. The original face is beautiful, and there were moments I wished I could keep that same face in my painting. However, there is no predicting how stillness moves, and so, the painting becomes what it does. In this painting, Radha definitely has a flavor of her own.

Stillness... My New Ishta

2010-06-21T14:12:00.000-04:00

Due to the influence of my father, and then reading Autobiography of A Yogi, which set off all kinds of flames of devotion in me and started me off on my spiritual path, I got very close to Ma Kali. She was my first ishta (an ishta is our "object of highest devotion"). Our Ishta is often embodied in the form of a god or goddess, who each symbolizes different aspects of divinity and divine awareness, though our ishta can also be any quality we wish to attain (i.e. "unconditional love", etc.), or anyone or anything we can genuinely surrender to. After having Ma Kali as my ishta for a while, I was introduced to a few other ishta's: Ramakrishna, Nithyananda then back to Ramakrishna, then back to Ma Kali. However, throughout my spirituasl path, I always had an ishta that I could surrender to.

Then came the experience of aloneness that I have talked about here. The thing that I missed the most during that time, was not having a connection with my ishta any longer. I tried really hard to reconnect with my ishta, but I just could not do it.

Recently, though, I have come to realize that I have been surrendering everything in stillness. If ever there is a feeling of constriction, I gently make myself aware of this, and let it go into stillness. Open... open... open... and let the constriction dissolve.

The other day I realized, that the stillness, the silence, the nothingness that I have been surrendering to is now my ishta. I don't need a form to surrender to. The forms of my ishta arose from this stillness, and when I surrendered to the forms, Ma Kali, Ramakrishna, Nithyananda, I was surrendering to the stillness through them. But now I have access to the formless stillness directly, and hence the forms are not required.

My mind at times still wishes it could get dramatic and pray and adore and surrender to someone/something it deems higher than itself. Someone who will take care of it. But there is nothing higher or lower than stillness. It all arises and dissolves in stillness, and when we have access to this stillness, it's just a matter of getting the mind used to the idea; having the form of an ishta is not required.

Heart Hands

2010-06-18T16:44:00.002-04:00

"Heart Hands" ~ Shweta Mitra (May 2010)

I did this one for my friend Kavitha.

Dr. Kavitha Chinnaiyan is a cardiologist and the founder of Heal Your Heart Free Your Soul.

When she asked me to make something for her, I had to think for a while as to what to make for her. Something to do with "heart", I thought. Well, since she is a heart doctor who works with her hands, and since she is offering her services and love to all around her, "Heart Hands" seemed like it fit just right.

And although I did sketch this for her, it really is a tribute to one and all who give from their hearts, day in and day out. So it really is for all of you, who knowingly or unknowingly have been giving from your hearts and blessing this world with your presence.

And if you are reading this and saying, "Well.. that's not me"... please let that thought go, everyone gives the best they can, even if you don't realize it.

So to all of you Thank You from my heart!!!!♥

My First Portrait

2010-05-21T07:35:00.005-04:00

This one is a copy of "The Milkmaid" by Raja Ravi Verma. This is my first attempt at drawing a portrait. It was a great learning experience. The rest of her came naturally, however her face was not easy. It started off as a completely different person. The face was slightly broader, the skin darker and eyes and lips more defined. Then as I changed the shape of her face, lightened her skin, changed the shading and made the eyes and lips less defined she transformed into a very different person. ☻. My daughter commented on how she looked so much older when I first started painting her and how she got younger with me playing around with the colors and shades. She does not look like the original painting by Raja Ravi Verma... in his painting she looks much younger and has a different feel to her. But I think I like my milkmaid the way she is. ☺.

~Painting by Shweta Mitra - May 2010

Copy Of "The Milkmaid" By Raja Ravi Verma.

Divine Love Reigning

2010-05-05T20:08:00.011-04:00

I wanted to share my painting, that I've been working on for the past month. The painting isn't originally mine; the general scene and theme come from another artist. However, the overall look and feel, the colors and vibe, etc., are very different from the original, and represent a fresh interpretation of Radha and Krishna. And although this is not an original Shweta Mitra painting, it is one that has flowed from the heart and stillness. It was lovely to watch the colors merge and create a beautiful Radha and Krishna. I really wish I could say I created this... but any time my mind was actively deciding what to do, the paints and colors just did not flow... then I stopped... became silent... asked the divine/stillness to paint... and everything... the colors, the shades, the paint, the brush strokes... it all just flowed beautifully. I don't think I have experienced anything like this before.

I hope you enjoy the stillness that went into this painting... the cosmic romance of Radha and Krishna.

"Divine Love Reigning" ~ By Shweta Mitra, May 4th 2010.

I have this one posted at my website too, along with a beautiful poem By Katrine Kristiansen called The Fragrance. Katrine and I independently started working on these pieces about a month ago, without knowledge of each other's efforts. I was looking for a poem to go with my painting, and she was looking for a painting to go with her poem. We were pleasantly surprised when we did share our creations with each other, and saw how beautifully they fit together.

I also want to thank my aunt who introduced me to painting when I was really young and my friend and current art teacher for all her help with this painting... she helped me pick up a brush and paint again after 26 years.

I'll end this post with these words from Richard Norman Schooping's song "Be Here Now". VIDEO: (Song) Be Here Now

Everything’s because of you and the things you do, my beloved
Yeah everything is flowing fine as we dance beyond rhyme, my beloved
You calmed the storm inside of me and now I’m free, my beloved
So now I let the battle go and watch you run the show, my beloved

All I want to do is sing of the joy you bring, my beloved
Praying that these songs awaken those who feel forsaken, my beloved

Newness Of A Moment

2010-03-27T17:27:00.003-04:00

As the living in the now becomes more and more steady, I have noticed that I tend to forget things a lot. I feel like I have forgotten everything, life is teaching me everything new. As conditioning is dropping, there is very little reference from the past to fall back on. So everything I do now is like doing it for the first time. It's a bit scary, not knowing, feeling things not in control, and yet everything flowing... and learning anew to do things without stress. If there is discomfort in this moment, it is always because there is some memory of the past or worry about the future in this moment. But when it is only this moment, there is doing without the stress. After the fact there is a bit of mind jumping in and saying, "OMG, what if it hadn't worked out the way it did... you should plan more". But there is no choice but to trust the moment. Reminds me the movie Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.. where he steps into the abyss and ....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C-c8_OFwZoY&NR=1&feature=fvwp

I talked to Yogani about this. He said: "It is a phase. A gradual shift from mind-based living to stillness-based living, with the necessary adjustments occurring along the way. Memory will be there when needed.
The flow of inspiration is an endless river, and we can tap into it any time we like according to the need of the moment. No way to catch all that water flowing by. So let it go. When you need something, it will be there.
The forgetting is letting go of the past. Whatever we need from the past will also be there when we need it, like the river mentioned above.
We can get used to anything. It takes some time to develop trust in what is. It can be a little lonely and disorienting in the meantime.
Every day is that "step of faith..."

A few days back I realized something else. I was getting myself a cup of tea as I do every morning at work. I washed the cup and filled it with hot water. I suddenly had a strange feeling like I was doing this for the first time. It was the first time in my life I was washing a cup and filling it with hot water. It was a very strange feeling. I experience this "doing regular mundane things for the first time" feeling very often... but that day I realized, it was not a feeling of doing it for the first time, it actually was a feeling of experiencing the moment completely. I had done this (make a cup of tea) every morning... it was mechanical and paid no attention to what I was doing. But that day I was experiencing the feeling of being completely present and fully experiencing the moment of washing and filling a cup. It felt like I had never done it before cause for one there was no memory, in the moment, of doing it yesterday, and since there was no memory in the moment of doing this yesterday I really had never done it before other than in that moment. So any time I experience a moment truly in the now (it is spontaneous, I cannot make it happen, the experience is suddenly there,) no memory from the past or imagination from the future, there is a feeling of doing whatever I am doing in that moment, for the first time. Although at first it would feel strange and a bit scary to the mind... I seem to be easing into this phase and enjoying these moments more and more. With the easing in, the trust, or that leap of faith seems to be getting more and more a part of my every day living.

LivingUnbound.Net

2010-02-12T20:38:00.003-05:00

Just want to announce the launch of a new website I have been working on. It's called Living Unbound.

I have really enjoyed making this site, from scratch. :) Many of my writings here are out there in form of teachings, techniques, resources and inspiration. I hope all of you readers will enjoy the site too. It would be nice to get some feedback from all who read/follow my blogs. I will continue writing here, as this is about my journey inward. Living Unbound is a part of this journey.

_/\_ Thank You_/\_

(Here is the launch announcement from the website)

Living Unbound.Net is Launching Today, February 12, 2010

Please see our LivingUnbound.Net Launch Celebration Video, Above!

The video features an awesome song by Jai Uttal, which includes Living Unbound-oriented lyrics originally written by John Lennon (from the Beatles song Tomorrow Never Knows), combined with Living Unbound-oriented lyrics from enlightened sages in ancient India (the Sanskrit lyrics in the song), along with Living Unbound-oriented images we selected.

The lyrics, the music and the images are all symbols pointing to the reality of Living Unbound, behind misperception of limitation.

Living Unbound is the Freedom Beyond Imagination in reality, that we can all be enjoying, now.

And so, we’d like to welcome all to LivingUnbound.Net – your portal to Freedom Beyond Imagination in reality.

We are launching LivingUnbound.Net today, Febraury 12, 2010, because today is Mahashivaratri, the Great Night of Lord Shiva. Lord Shiva is the infinite Unbound Awareness we each and all ever are now, in reality; the Freedom Beyond Imagination we can all be enjoying, now.

The name Shiva means “the one who is blessing”. In misperception, we seek blessing; in awakening to Living Unbound, we receive blessing; in Living Unbound, we naturally offer blessing, which is, in reality, the greatest blessing of all.
Living Unbound is Real. And you’re invited. Let’s get started, shall we?

Aloneness

2010-01-03T13:47:00.001-05:00

"Loneliness is absence of the other. Aloneness is the presence of oneself. " ~ Osho

There has been an on and off feeling of aloneness. Not all the time. It comes and goes... with intervals of clarity.

This feeling is not loneliness. I don't miss anyone. However, even while I am in the middle of family and friends... I get a sudden feeling of being alone. Although I feel more connected with things around me, I feel like I am alone with everything else around me being a part of me. It is hard to put in words.

I think a part of this is because the mind does not know what to do anymore. With no thinking, rather no thinking with energy toward the thought, it feels lost.

I talked to Yogani about this, and with his permission I would like to share a part of his reply here:

"I have known the feeling. It is a mixture of personal and impersonal aspects of consciousness. There is nothing more alone than Self, with everything seen as That, compensated by the eternal radiance of inner silence. On the other hand, the personal aspect longs for company -- relationship.

Perhaps the eternal has manifested as the the universe for some company, creating the illusion (maya) so the play of duality (lila) can happen. Seeing both sides at the same time is strange, isn't it? You are this and you are that. It is a transitional experience -- a shifting perspective. What experience on the path is not? This too shall pass.

A solution might seem to be for spiritual people to gather together, as they often do in relationships, ashrams, etc. But that does not change the fact of duality dissolving into non-duality. "I am That" has no company and all company. It is stillness in action.

This is why the enlightened serve, for the sake of relationship, for the expression of love. It is like creation moving in another dimension that is not primarily about the physical, not primarily about time and space. It is about the flow of love. Everyone wants that, but for those who are that, it is to be the One -- infinitely full, yet alone. "

Experiencing the Screen

2009-12-27T10:58:00.019-05:00

"By the power of her own free will does she (Citi) unfold the Universe upon her own screen."

~Pratyabhijnahrdyam ("The Heart of Recognition"), Sutra (Verse) 1.2

I have been thinking about writing about the past couple of months for a while... but somehow, it hasn’t happened; maybe it’s time now. This is going to be a long post, but it needs to be written all at once, so please bear with me.

Around the middle of October, I realized I was in a phase where nothing was touching me. I was going through life and I could feel this calmness within. It was not like anything I had experienced before... somehow it seemed more solid. I was of course waiting for this calmness to go away … it always has, before. I would have an opening, and a beautiful insight of some kind, enjoying it, and then letting it go, and, in the past at least, it always did go away, eventually. Then, it would be the same cycle of a bit of peace, of bit of upset; a bit of confusion, a bit of clarity, again for some time … followed by another opening, after a few weeks or a few months, which would last anywhere from a day, to maybe a few days.

However, this time, this feeling of not being touched by anything stayed with me for two weeks.

Then I met Nithyananda for a second time.

My first darshan with him had been six months prior to that, at the end of April.

I was originally introduced to Paramahamsa Nithyananda a couple of years ago, when I was working with the gap technique; someone at the AYP forums posted a link to one of his videos.

I would spend hours listening to his videos on YouTube. I just resonated with his words, and he always seemed to have the right advice for me at the right time.

So when I heard he was going to be in the U.S., I had to go see him. I remember being elated to see him in person, as he glided into the room. The day was divided into his disciples teaching and then Nithyananda teaching. When Nithyananda spoke, he said almost the same things his disciples did … but his words had a power to them that kind of shook me from within.

At the end of the day, Nithyananda offers you what he calls energy darshan (shaktipat) -- the direct experience of the guru’s consciousness.

Just before that, though, he guides everyone through a kundalini raising meditation, in preparation. That meditation is very powerful, and it really opened up my heart, and made tears roll down my cheeks; my heart felt like it was overflowing with gratitude.

When I was in line to receive darshan, just a few feet from Nithyananda, I was is a space of total surrender and gratitude and loving.

I stood there thinking, "I can’t believe I’m actually here, in front of him! I’ve spent at least an hour or two, three or four days a week, listening to him on YouTube for the past two years, and now I’m here. I’m actually standing in front of this man, whose teachings have supported me through my journey, and who words have created openings in my life and consciousness beyond what I ever could have imagined." I was so very, very grateful to him.

It was finally my turn to be in front of him. He looked at me and with a childlike smile, and he asked me, "Do you want to ask for something?"

I had tears rolling down my cheeks, and I could barely speak; I just nodded my head.

He said in a very caring voice, “Ask".

I looked into his eyes and said, "I want enlightenment".

His face lit up in a smile and he said, "It will happen".

After this, I really don't remember anything. Total stillness is all I remember. I can tell you what happened physically, based on what I saw happening to the hundreds of other people there. Nithyananda places his thumb on your third eye, and then he hugs you. I don't remember any of it, though.

The very next thing I actually remember is that I was walking away from him, and him telling me to "keep unclutching".

I lived on a high for a week or more after that, but my mind was angry at me. I had so much more to ask from him. My questions should have been more structured. I should have told him how grateful I was for all his help.

The next six months were turbo-charged with purification and openings. I had many, many dreams of him.

I also relaxed into sleep, connecting with him as a form of meditation or samyama, as described here. Whenever I had a question, I would ask him using this technique and I got answers, either through his discourses or through the AYP forums, or through something I read, etc.

I found that I was getting really attached to him, even though I was sure I could never be attached to a guru. But here I was, wishing I could be in his presence again, to be able to spend more time with him.

Then the strangest thing happened. Someone at the forum pointed out to a website that spoke against Nithyananda. It was so strange how the mind jumped in, and seemed so disappointed about how this amazing soul could actually be so harsh, in real life (based on the negative stories about him).

I went through almost a week of feeling disconnected with him. A part of my mind was disappointed with him, a part of my mind was trying to convince the other part that it was stupid to believe such stories, and that I should just let it go etc.

Then came one of the most beautiful openings I’ve ever experienced.

Nithyanada appeared, smiling … and showing me how I was actually attached to the form of Nithyananda … when in reality, the guru that was guiding me was the Nithyananda in me. The form does not matter. The body-mind will do what the body-mind will do; the real connection with a master, and the real master … is at a level much deeper than that.

A real master is guiding you from within. S/he is in you; S/he is you. The only thing that separates you from a master is you.

I fell in love with Nithyananda all over again, but it was no longer with his form. Now, it wasn’t his form that touched my heart; it was that infinite stillness he showed me, when our eyes met for a minute or two during darshan.

I’ve often wondered: how is it that when he touched me, I did not feel his thumb on my forehead? Or how, when he hugged me, I did not feel his hands around me, or smell him, or feel the fabric of his robe on my cheek? It's because he was not there. When he gave me darshan, his physical form was right there, but that is not what I experienced; I experienced the eternal bliss, the Nithya-ananda (eternal bliss) that he is to me.

This poem came to me right after the experience: Fall in love with...

I continued with my highs and lows. Some of the things I was experiencing I had written about here: Dropping the "me". There was a point when I was so tired of it that I asked him to please stop this, and to give me permanent enlightenment.

The very next day I watched a video in which he said, "When you have surrendered to me, let me work on you. Trust in the master, bear with a bit of discomfort and allow the master to work on you". So I let it go.

I remember wishing I had an opportunity to meet him again, and the next day, someone at the forums posted about Nithyananda's next visit to the United States, at the end of October.

Then around the middle of October, I had this shift of being the stillness … the shift I described at the beginning of this post.

Two weeks later I met him for a second time.

Although I had wished this would be one more of those huge deal moments, it really was not. There was so much calmness in me, that being in his presence felt normal. He guided us through the kundalini raising meditation again. This time I had a sudden burst in emotions and I cried happily for a bit.

Then I was standing in front of him, once again. This time, I did not know what to ask him, so I simply thanked him for all his help over the past six months, and asked him to make enlightenment permanent.

I did not lose myself this time. I was aware through it all. But I still did not feel his touch or his hug nor did I smell him or feel his clothes. I saw the physical form of him, but he was not there. His eyes were beautifully empty, and you could see the vastness in them. I walked away with no major “woo-hoo” feeling, this time … maybe that’s hard to feel, when you’re actually this wall of stillness.

I have been going through a very busy phase, recently. I worked with more than a dozen seven and eight year old kids a few weeks back, on a dance for a cultural program. I had done a similar program a few years back, and then, it was really stressful. This time I enjoyed it more than I could have imagined. The kids were, of course, kids … and they can get a bit out of control and loud at times. I found myself raising my voice at times to calm them down, and yet it would surprise me every time, because my inside did not realize the outside was showing disapproval to the noise; my experience as the stillness and peace on the inside, remained, throughout.

The best evidence of this was on the day of the program itself. In addition to choreography, I also helped with the stage setup for a group of kids that sing and play instruments.The setup is pretty complicated: microphones positioned in certain specific places, speakers in certain positions, and so on, so that the overall sound quality is good. I was finally all set… when I was unexpectedly told to move everything, because the opening act was a dance and they needed the stage cleared. Every year for this program, the song/instrumental piece is first … mainly because of the complexity of the stage/microphone setup.

So, when I was told I had to move the entire setup, I couldn’t believe it. However, what really surprised me was, when people around me started saying: "Calm down; It's Okay; it’s okay … we’ll get the original setup back in place real quick!"
It was only then I realized, although I didn’t even feel touched by the situation at hand, that my body-mind was reacting … showing disapproval and anger, and basically reacting like it has always reacted, in similar situations.

This really took me by surprise; “Wow!” I thought, “So my inside and my outside are not in sync!” I asked Yogani (founder of AYP and my guide and mentor since the beginning of my journey. His kindness and encouragement is what has kept me going and for that I am eternally grateful), if this was normal. Should I make an effort in being conscious of my behavior on the outside, or does the body mind automatically follow the calmness inside?

His reply as always, was so perfect:
"Conduct is a mixture of karmic habit (personality) and the choices coming from the perspective of abiding inner silence.

Sternness has a purpose, as does all conduct. Some of the greatest sages could be pretty grumpy. Yogananda was known to fly into rages, and then wink at his disciples as if to say, "The divine is still in here, but you have to cope with this raging body/mind for now."

It will go eventually where you want it to go. The fact that you are noticing (witnessing) gives you increasing choice. It is not a fixed situation. Our relationship with action continues to evolve as we do.

There is also the automatic aspect that takes care of everything like you described. It all becomes more like that. Then our choice is to let it happen. Stillness in action..."

A few days later the poem Harmony flowed, but I still did not have words to express this calmness/stillness I was experiencing. Then the Movie Screen analogy came to me … and I still don't have better words than that to describe what I am experiencing.

The thing that is a bit unclear is the loss in the bhakti aspect. It is not hurting me, I guess, but here is missing that connection with the master. Not just Nithyananda; I’ve always had a very strong connection with Ramakrishna and Ma Kali, too … but I don't feel those connections, any more, either. Practices continue as usual, but bhakti seems to have diminished. This could be because there is no sense of needing to achieve anything anymore or be something else or somewhere else anymore. There is just living what is happening in this moment.

Am I worried or upset? No, not at all. I think it's a phase thing, but it may not be. I have never read about any of the masters talking about losing their bhakti toward their ishta. However, currently, I cannot feel that connection any more. Though I have full faith that if it has to be back, it will be back. Till then, this … whatever “this” is, is awesomely beautiful and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Have all the comforts and discomforts of living life gone? No, like in the poem Harmony: it is all still here... the challenges, the drama, the craziness, the happiness, the loving, the busyness, the silliness, the laughing, the crying … it's all still right here, but it is all happening on a screen of stillness, and that screen is not touched.

It all happens … and the next minute when it’s gone, it is like a dream that happened. Things flow like they are flowing. There is doing, but the doer strangely feels like a dream. Like that touch and hug of Nithyananda... it happened, but it never really did, because if it did my physical body should have registered it.

When living happens moment by moment, the present moment is real, but only while it is here, then it's a dream. The future exists out there somewhere, but like that touch, exists and yet it does not.

Is it going to be like this forever? I don't really know, nor do I care to know.

I have this present right now, and that is all that matters.

Does this place I am in have a name? Who wants to know that? The only one who would like to know answers to questions like that is not here right now. But if she is ever back, I will let you know. If you are still reading, I would like to thank you for sharing this part of my journey with me. ☺

PS:
(12/28/09)

I asked Yogani about the loss in bhakti I have been experiencing. Here is his answer:

"It is very normal, since bhakti is a play in duality and non-duality simply is. Which is not to say bhakti ends. It only shifts to become more a deep appreciation (love) than a seeking. It is present in our service, where we move for the Oneness of all. It may be unspoken and ordinary (with no mind assessment), chopping the wood and carrying the water. Good things are... " ~Yogani

Thank You Yogani. This definitely clears things up.

PPS:
(12/28/09)
Was just listening to Nithyananda, and he said, "You will not miss me, you will be in me, how will you miss me?" (Deeper Insights into Life 25 min into the video)

Shakti (doing/action) and Buddhi (knowing)

2009-12-07T20:52:00.005-05:00

You may have heard of a prayer called, Serenity Prayer:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

There is a tantra technique that Nithyananda explains in this video: Practising Living Enlightenment (about 33 min into this).

Nithyananda says in order to be enlightened, you need to have shakti (doing/action) to change what you can change and buddhi (knowing) to know and accept what you can't change. When you have this, there is no conflict. Living enlightenment is finally living a (internal) conflict free life.

So how do you know, what can be changed and what needs to be accepted. If in your sleep state, you are restless, many dreams, you feel stressed out, then there is something happening in your waking state that needs your shakti, your action to change. Like get organized or get your chores that you have been putting off for awhile, completed.

If you feel restless and stressed out in your waking state, then you need to apply buddhi (knowing) to your life.. look into your life and see there is something you are not accepting, something that "is" but you are not ready to accept "what is". Like your partner does not listen to you or your partner has moved on, but you cannot let go, or your parents don't help you, many of the other mind stories that keep us bound to suffering.

So in the waking state if you feel stressed out, you need to apply your buddhi (knowing) to accept things as they are. If you are restless in your sleep state, you need to apply shakti (doing) in your waking state to change things that can be changed.

Breathing Into the Heart

2009-12-06T21:04:00.001-05:00

Here is another technique that came to me, and I find really powerful:

It is like a combination of heart breathing and spinal breathing.

During in breath, you drop your awareness from the head to heart... like I talked about in the Dropping Into The Heart technique, drop into your heart and at the same time move your awareness and energy from root to heart. In the out breath you let go in the heart and let it expand.

It feels like the union of energy/shakti and silence/Shiva. There is a feeling of complete stillness in the heart which moves outward. The expansion changes from emptiness to light. It is beautiful.

Talking To God

2009-11-23T19:36:00.004-05:00

One of my favorite techniques: At the point when you are just falling asleep and yet you are awake, talk to your Ishta(chosen ideal) or God.

You are really relaxed and on the verge of falling asleep and yet you are awake enough that you are subtly aware (without being consciously aware) of your body and surrounding and know you are not unconscious yet.

This is a very powerful place to pray from. I generally talk to Nithyananda from here and the beauty is, generally Nithyananda never is in the form of Nithyananda, he has morphed from Krishna to Jesus to Ma Kali to Durga to Ramakrishna and some gurus I don't even know.

Any intention you have at this point will manifest... mainly I think its because your mind is relaxed and ready to sleep and is out of the way and your intentions at this point is pure.

Dropping Into The Heart

2009-11-23T19:30:00.008-05:00

When I would find myself really caught up in mind, I would bring my attention down to the heart. The way I did this is I would use my mind to put my awareness on my heart and think from my heart.

But there is a more effective way to bring attention to the heart... just drop into the heart from the inside.

So you are in your head, now just drop from head thru your throat into your heart. It's a subtle relaxing movement from head to heart while following your awareness from head to heart.

The mind is not involved in bringing attention to the heart, the mind is left back in your head. When you can do this, there is an experience of emptiness and thoughtlessness (even if for a few second) when you "drop" in here. (Works great for solar centering too.)

*****************************************************************************************
A variation to this technique was posted at the AYP Forums by Scott:

Dropping into the heart...

Something you can try instead of starting from the head and dropping down, is beginning with the awareness within the heart and imagining/feeling that you're shining or radiating outward. Then the energy in the head is naturally sucked down without trying.

Everyone is different, so this is just a perspective shift that may make it easier for some.

The Movie Screen.

2009-11-21T09:51:00.005-05:00

For years I have heard about the "us being a screen and life projecting it's movie on us" analogy. I have used it many times. It is so perfect. Really, watch the screen, it is not touched by what is going on in the movie. This screen is the silence on which the colors of life project and make the movie.

Well, over a bit more than a month there has been a shift. I did not have words to explain what this shift felt like, but it came to me this morning.

So far when I give the movie screen analogy, I am looking at a movie screen and how the movie with all its drama is passing over it without touching it. Well, the shift that has happened is that now, I am the movie screen and the drama of life is passing over this screen.

Read the next few lines from the perspective of "I am a screen" and not "what the screen out there is experiencing". Like when in school, they made us write autobiography of inanimate objects, like a book... you become the book and say what the book is experiencing... like that read the rest of the lines in this post as tho it is the screen talking and not me talking for the screen.

When I say I am the screen, I am not talking about this body mind, I am talking about something that cannot be expressed in words, not a witness, not something separate from me... more like a solid (and yet made of air, completely transparent and hollow) wall of silence (the canvas of silence on which things are happening.

The body mind reacts to things going on around me... there is laughing and crying and happiness and anger and singing and loving and hugging and being silly.

The difference, when I am the screen, I don't experience the movie... so the body mind which seems like a part of the movie right now... reacts to external stimuli, however being the screen I don't get to partake in any of it since it is all being projected on me. Like, unless you stand in front of a mirror you cannot see yourself, so if people have painted your face and put some silly clothes on you and put signs all over you, you would have no clue what was happening and you can happily go about your day without knowing what has happened to you... unless you look in a mirror you don't see things on you. Like that the screen has no idea what is going on on it.

When the scene being projected changes, the previous scene is gone without leavening a mark and the next scene is enjoyed. There is no evaluation of what is happening and hence there is no attachment or aversion to the previous moment or current or future.

Since the projection is happening on me, I don't see the reds and blues and yellows and greens... since I don't see them I don't label them red, blue, yellow and green, there is no evaluation, the reds and blues and greens and yellows all become a part of the same picture and blend in perfect harmony.

Then there is no wishing for anything different since every scene, every color has a part in the movie, no part is more or less intense to the movie screen.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Harmony.

The Blues and Reds and Yellows and Blacks and Whites all merge to make a beautiful painting.
You may love the color red
but dislike the color blue.
And yet
When they are together in a painting,
You see the beauty in the harmony of all the colors
not individual ones.

Life is like that.
There is laughing and crying and joy and sorrow...
There is praising and scolding and accepting and blaming...
There is loving and rejecting and hugging and brushing aside.
But together they make a beautiful painting on the canvas of silence.

If you just look at only the red color in the painting because you are attracted to it
and ignore the blue...
You don't see the harmony of the painting
If you look for only the good in life and ignore the bad
you miss the beauty of the painting of life.

All of it is present in perfect harmony,
Unless we decide we prefer one color over the other.
~Shweta

Harmony.

2009-11-20T22:08:00.001-05:00

Harmony.

The Blues and Reds and Yellows and Blacks and Whites all merge to make a beautiful painting.
You may love the color red
but dislike the color blue.
And yet
When they are together in a painting,
You see the beauty in the harmony of all the colors
not individual ones.

Life is like that.
There is laughing and crying and joy and sorrow...
There is praising and scolding and accepting and blaming...
There is loving and rejecting and hugging and brushing aside.
But together they make a beautiful painting on the canvas of silence.

If you just look at only the red color in the painting because you are attracted to it
and ignore the blue...
You don't see the harmony of the painting
If you look for only the good in life and ignore the bad
you miss the beauty of the painting of life.

All of it is present in perfect harmony,
Unless we decide we prefer one color over the other.

~Shweta

Breaking The Mind Shaft.

2009-11-20T13:44:00.022-05:00

When I started with the "Gap technique", someone at the AYP forums told me about some videos to watch on the Shiva Sutras by Swami Nithyananda.

Swami Nithyananda's main teaching is to "be unclutched". He explained how every moment in our lives is a new moment. We however connect these moments and make a long shaft of pleasure or pain (shaft of "depression" or "poverty" or "unhappiness" or "happiness"). We connect every moment and say the pain I feel today, and the pain I felt yesterday and the pain I felt a week back are all connected.

The day we can see that each moment is individual, unconnected moments.. the min. we unclutch from the shaft, find the "gap" between every moment, we see none of the moments are connected. But we connect it all and make a shaft of pain and/or pleasure.

We try to break a pain shaft and try to elongate a pleasure shaft using external means. Neither of them will help. We need to stop connecting the moments that make the shaft (through methods like meditation, self inquiry). He said when you ask for healing.. all he does is replace the pain shaft with a wellness shaft.. but only YOU can stop making shafts.

So how do we break the shaft?

This can be done at two levels.

The first one is at a practical level.

It can be practiced as we go about our day.

At the end of the day, when we decide to label the day as a "bad day" or "stressful day" or "depressing day", go through the day in your mind and make mental notes of things that happened based on which we are labeling the day as we are.

Now, if it was a "bad day" or a "feeling down day", make an effort to pick on the moments in the day when you were happy, if you enjoyed your morning tea, if you smiled at someone or someone smiled at you, if you laughed at a joke, if you saw something that made you smile.. watch how these break the lows in the day... Identify these moments that don't fit into the label of "low day" and break the day up into moments of happiness and moments of lows... don't connect the lows.

We use up a lot of mental energy (hence the mental tiredness, depression) in connecting the lows to make a shaft of one big low.. when we stop connecting we free up a lot of mental energy. We need to break the mind shafts we have formed. We also need to break the mental pattern of thinking we have created that make these mind shafts stronger. It wont happen in a day, but starting out with small things, observing the day is made up of moment by moment by moment.. and each moment is free of the previous (memory) and next (imagination).. will help you break shafts and you will find you have freed up the mind so it can rest.

At first the shaft may be years long... for instance, a person thinks:

"I have been suffering from depression for 10 years."

Well the depression you felt 10 years ago and the one you felt 5 years ago, and the one you experienced 6 months ago and the one you experienced a week ago are not the same. We connect these and make it one long shaft.

And, so to to dissolve the shaft, we can go back and identify the moments when we were not depressed. We can remember how we enjoyed a party or a movie or a vacation or a night out or a book or a trip or a job.... and see how these broke the depression of 10 years. So the one shaft of 10 year long depression is now broken into smaller shafts of depression. It no longer is a huge monster, but little ones that came up in the 10 years.

Then we try to break up the day... maybe break it to half a day.. then as you keep identifying the breaks in the day.. breaks when you are not feeling low... your moments will refine to hours, minutes, seconds... you will be able to actually watch how each second is independent of the previous and next.

The second technique is actually finding the gap (which is experienced as silence) and live from this.

The second technique is based on the technique described here:

One way to catch the gap is between inhaling and exhaling:

inhale <--gap--> exhale <--gap--> inhale <--gap--> exhale <--gap--> inhale <--gap--> exhale

We don't hold our breaths between inhale and exhale. However we catch the gaps, the slight pause between the inhale and exhale. Notice how during the gaps there are no thoughts. Try to catch and remember how it feels between in breath and out breath. Now try to take that feeling, that silence with you into the breathing. It's a very subtle movement of stillness into your inhale and exhale. At first it will be a very short moment of silence that may be easy to miss.. but you will soon be able to feel the stillness moving into your every moment.

Another way to access the gap, the silence is between two thoughts.

So we try to find a gap between two thoughts. A thought arises and subsides and the next one arises. Between the points of a thought subsiding and the next thought arising is a gap.

   u                                     u                                      u
   o     g                              o     g                               o        g
       h            h                         h             h                    h               h
t                       t<--gap--> t                        t<--gap--> t                        t<--gap-->

Need a new pair <--gap--> Sales at Macy's <--gap--> cant afford it <--gap-->
      of shoes this month

So we identify these gaps and experience the silence there is between two thoughts. Try and remember this experience and without effort (very subtly) try and pull this experience into the next thought. Also try to increase the duration of these gaps between the thoughts. So make an effort to delay the next thought hence prolonging the gap.

As Nithyananda explains in one of his videos... the duration of the gap and the duration of a thought are the same. However we experience the thoughts more than the gap because we focus more on the thoughts. If we can slowly move our focus, our attention to the gap, we can actually increase the time we spend in the gap/the stillness for longer periods than we do in thoughts.

Another way to access the gap is with sight. Focus on an object.. then slowly get that object out of your focus and focus on something else... the point when neither of the objects are in focus you should feel be able to experience the gap.

If you can do this with your thought.. you don't need to practice it with your breath.. doing it with your breath is what you need to do when you cannot access the gaps in your thoughts.

Work on it with your thought or breath through the day.. every time you remember take yourself into the gap and take this gap into your activity... operate from this gap.

The other thing to try is keeping part awareness on yourself no matter what else you are doing. So if you are reading this post.. you will find yourself completely focused on that task.. but consciously bring part of the focus into yourself.

Finally you should be able to live from this gap all the time.. while you are completely engaged in this world. These are just tools we use between our sitting practice session to cultivate the habit of accessing the gap and staying in it for as long as we can. Some people are lucky to wake up and be in this place.. some of us have to practice unlearning living externally and learn to live in the internal bliss once we have access to some .

Helpful videos:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7XyvBVmmOWA

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cygCS74CBhw

http://www.youtube.com/profile?user=LifeBlissFoundation#g/u

Does the mind chatter ever stop?

2009-11-16T19:34:00.001-05:00

In my experience, the chatter does not stop.. at least it hasn't here... but the attachment and judgment of the chatter is less and less and less.

Before practices.. it's like your mind has a 100 acres filled with thoughts. When you start meditation, the 100 acre increases to maybe 200 acres with 100 acres of thoughts and 100 acres of silence. As you keep going, you experience your mind as 100,000 acres with 100 acres of thoughts. The 100 acres of thoughts stays there always, that is what the mind does.. but the silence increases and so the thoughts seem like a tiny spec in that vast silence.

I waited for a long time for the mind to stop the chatter.. but clearly it has no plans of stopping.. and the harder I tried, the more frustrated I got and the focus on the mind chatter got stronger.

One thing that did help was the Drop till "You" Drop technique, when you realize you are thinking, drop the thought, don't give it a logical end, don't give it any explanations or importance by saying "I have to get this chatter to stop".. chatter.. drop.. chatter.. drop again... so on.

This technique is not for thoughts that need self inquiry. But random (at times annoying) thoughts that surface all day long and take up so much on our energy... like "Oh, the sun is so warm, I just love walking around in the sunshine. I don't get why I have to tell myself I am enjoying the walk. Why does my mind need to tell me what I am already experiencing. Why? Why? Why? Shut Up mind!!!".. when you realize you are thinking the thought.. just drop.. stop thinking the thought.

How do you pray?

2009-11-16T17:02:00.000-05:00

I ask in silence and let go. Not expecting anything, just knowing and trusting the silence (which has many names like Jesus, Buddha, Shiva, Krishna, truth, stillness) knows and will grant you your prayer in whatever way is right for you (not necessarily the way your mind thinks it should be).

Practice.. Open.. Allow...

2009-11-16T08:04:00.001-05:00

When someone tells us .. we will meet God.. we have an image of what God is.. and when he brushes our face as a butterfly.. we miss it.. because we are waiting for him to show up in the form we have made up in our mind.

This journey is a journey to achieve "nothing". If people tell us this.. no one will follow the path. So spirituality is made to sound like something that is so magnificent and so vast and so very out there (which it is because it is beyond the mind's comprehension that "nothing" can be so awesome).. when in reality.. it is right here.. right now.. and if we just stop trying to measure our progress with the measurement scale we have let our mind create.. we will find we have actually moved far ahead and we don't know it because we are trying to see it with what our "ego" has defined progress in our mind. We have a preconceived idea of what we should feel and see.. and when we are stuck to this.. we miss the endless blessing and miracles happening every second in our life.

The hardest part of yoga is to unlearn all the concepts we have imagined.. and when we drop that.. when we drop imagination.. when we drop the concepts.. when we drop the ego stories of what it should be.. we will experience "what is". Just because our mind is not getting the satisfaction of seeing progress like it thinks progress should be.. we think there is nothing happening. If we drop the thought.. "I need to experience bliss", "I need to see through my third eye", "I need to experience scenery".. we will actually experience all we are looking for.. just not in the form we are expecting it.

Just allow.. just open.. be ready to accept whatever comes our way, in whatever form, with an open heart, without analyzing, explaining, contemplating.

Practice.. Open.. Allow... that is all there is for us to do.

Dropping the "me"

2009-11-13T08:15:00.001-05:00

Aug 06 2009

Before self inquiry, any time I suffered, it was someone else's fault. After self inquiry, I saw how no one else was responsible for me. I create my "heaven" and "hell". I could then drop many many many stories, labels and be free from suffering. The bigger ones (like people should behave a certain way, I should be treated a certain way, I should have all these things to make me happy, etc. ) are easier to drop, but the ones that are closer to heart and an ingrained part of our conditioning (subtle) are harder to drop.

Over the past couple of months, I have been going through loads of highs and lows. None of them last long, but they were getting thrown my way left, right and center. Although in my heart I knew it was important, I was really getting tired of this. Over the two months I have had many openings and realizations. But after every opening, the longing, uneasiness in my heart just came right back. It was like my bhakti was not going to let me rest in my opening and enjoy the high that came with it. I was getting frustrated, because I know and have experienced how the mind keeps all the suffering in place, and yet when in a low, I was completely pulled in. No self inquiry helped.

Here is how I saw it:


Awareness <-------------> Me (mind/body)
      |                    |
      |                    |
      V                    V
(stillness)             (highs/lows)

Things happen and when I am closer to awareness (stillness) I can let it all go.. I know its not happening to me.. it just is. When I am tired, or going thru purification, and the exact same thing happens, I now believe this is all happening to "Me". The beauty is while in awareness and when stuff happens, I can let the attachment to things go.. this becomes a habit, so when in the middle of "identifying with me".. the natural habit of identifying with me now drops faster. Hence the suffering of 3 years can be 3 min now. However, when identified with the "Me", self inquiry did not seem to help at all.

Whenever there is a true letting go, the situation will not cause any reaction, doesn't matter if we are identified with awareness or with our body/mind. If something can cause us any kind of flutter even for a second, we have not let it go completely. But I could not see how to let go the things that were causing me these flutters. That is when I realized, there was more to this than just the mind level self inquiry I was doing. There was healing and letting go needed at levels beyond the mind.

Anyways, three days back I was blessed with a huge opening without the usual "high", just stillness.. access to complete stillness and expansion. I have also had something major revealed to me. I could actually bring up and feel the emotions that accompanied many of the attachments I have not been able to separate myself from. It came to me to bring up the stories and let them go into the stillness I was experiencing. Like samyama. So I did. I brought one up, "my children may not love me in the future", and let it go in stillness. "My mom-in-law may come live with us", let it go, "I may be able to write, but I cannot teach in public, I may make a fool of myself in front of people", let it go, and a few others. As I continued with this, I saw the common thread in all of this... "fear". I saw how everything, everything that was bothering me and that I could not let go had the common emotion "fear" driving it.
So I began to do samyama on the situation, dropped it into silence, then "fear" and dropped it into silence (bringing up the situation brings fear to the heart, so along with the word, I dropped the emotion) and then the "I" and dropped it into silence. I could not see how the "I" fit into this, but since it was "I" feeling this emotion due to the situation, I just went with it.

Soon the situations dissolved and only the emotion of fear remained. I remember someone once telling me or reading somewhere, "you can let go one situation at a time, or you can let it all go at one time. The first way will take forever, but the second will work in an instant". I was clueless as to how I can drop it all at once. There are so many things that make me sad or upset or scared. So I have been going with one thing at a time. Flutter.. hmmmm look into it.. ahh.. identify the story.. OK now drop it.. For the first time, after I saw the common emotion in every situation was "fear". I got how I can let it all go at one time by identifying the one common thread that keeps the string of suffering together.

So I continued samyama on the energy of "fear" and "I". Other than doing a sitting practice of this, outside my meditation time, I started doing this all through the day any time I felt a flutter in me. I looked into what caused the flutter, looked for the underlying emotion, it was always fear, fear of not being perfect, of being judged. So I picked up "fear" and dropped it in silence, then the word "I" and dropped it in silence. I still could not see how the "I" fit into this.

Then yesterday, while doing this practice, I suddenly saw..

"Who is this fear happening to?", "Me".

Who is this me? The container of this energy.

What me? A mother/friend/daughter-in-law.


                           "I"
                            | 
                            |
                            v 
    ___________________________________________________
    |                                     |           |
    |                                     |           |
    |                                     |           |
    v                                     v           v
The situation (not a good mother) -----> fear-----> "Me"

So the mother (label), the fear (emotion) and Me (the container), were three components that kept the "I" in place. No wonder I could never really completely let go. Now when the final component of "me" is dropped the "I" dissolves. I am still working on it. But it seems big and so I thought I'd share it here. Maybe it will help someone else who is having a tough time with "who am I" kind of inquiry.

Fall in love with...

2009-11-12T19:29:00.005-05:00

Sept 23 2009

Fall in love with...

Fall in love with the gift being given to you
Not the box it comes in.

Fall in love with the silence

Not the practices that bring you silence.

Fall in love with the truth being revealed to you

Not the guru or system that is delivering the truth.

We miss so much by focusing on the form that delivers the truth to us.

The ego will analyze, judge, defend, a guru or a system.

That is what the ego loves to do.. engage itself in something.

But when we let go the judgment, the analyzing, the defending...

We let the actual teachings in.

These teachings are real subtle and beyond the mind.

Hence the mind does not get it.

Be....

....silent......

Let go the attachment to the gift box

And start enjoying the gift.

The truths being sent to us

The blessings being poured into our lives.

Fall in love with....

The guru in you...

The silence.

Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhh......

~Shweta

Let go

2009-11-12T19:27:00.003-05:00

Sept 17 2009

Let go

Let it go my dear

Don't hold on to what is no more

Let it go

Let go so you can make room

For something new...

Something that is waiting patiently round the corner

Waiting for you to let go and make some space

So it can sneak in and fill your heart.

~Shweta

This one came to me in meditation and at that point it seemed to be especially for a dear friend. I felt her presence and a strong connection with her during meditation and then the above words arose. But the words above were so true for me and many I know that I thought I'd put it out here. It is for anyone who is touched by it.

Turn around..

2009-11-12T19:25:00.000-05:00

Aug 25 2009

Turn around..

Walking backward into the ocean..

Wondering if the next wave will hit me hard or be gentle..

Afraid of the unknown I step into...

based on the memories of the past waves that hit me.

Just turn around..

Now you can see the waves as they form..

Each one has nothing to do with the waves that passed by..

Each wave is new.

Walking backwards into the future..

Looking into the past..

Afraid of the unknown I step into..

based on the memories of the past experiences that hit me.

Just turn around..

Now step into the future.

Each moment is new.

~Shweta

Now..

2009-11-12T16:11:00.002-05:00

Jun 26 2009

Now..

I was caught up in my mind.

When others suffered, I suffered with them.

It hurt to see the pain others went through.

I realized my mind.

I watched in amusement.

I went into my "now" bubble

And said it is what it is.

I am living in the present.

This now is so perfect.

This now is so peaceful.

Nothing can touch me here in my bubble.

No pain exists here.

This now is where I want to be.

But through it all,

Yogani said,

"in order to get enlightenment,

you need to give it away."

The words of Nithyananda haunted me

"Enlightenment is not just living in the now,

It's living the past, the present and future, now"

Why do they say that?

Why not live here?

There is nothing wrong with this moment.

I am bliss right here right now.

I now am in the now.

It still is all what it is.

But there is more to this "now", than living in my bubble.

There is much doing to take care of.

Even if it is just an intent of "not suffering" for the other.

There is more living now.

I suffered with my eyes open.

I closed my eyes and enjoyed the "now".

I was in awareness and no pain exists.

It's time to open my eyes

And live in the "now".

No more hiding in awareness.

Everything is as it is.

Things will happen as they will.

But I am the instrument through which the divine flows.

And I have rested in my loving Ma's arms to heal,

Not once did she ask me to be any way I did not want to be,

But I have rested long enough...

"now" its time to carry out the will of my Mother.

So I pray to one and all,

And I pray to my Mother,

Give me your blessings.

So I can become the channel

Through which my Mother flows.

~Shweta

Dropping Boundaries - Atma-Shatakam - by Adi Shankara (continued)

2009-11-11T20:20:00.004-05:00

Apr 16 2009

Note: This is continued from here

The meaning of this song is so much deeper than I had comprehended and getting deeper still.

My heartfelt thanks to Sri Adi Shankara.

I am going to make an attempt to put in words things that are beyond words. The meaning of the lines below cannot be understood with the literal words.. they come from an understanding that comes from letting go.. from un-understanding the ideas we have associated with the words.

Few weeks back during meditation, the words arose, "drop your boundaries". It felt like a balloon deflating and the air from inside the balloon, that was bound to the limited space of the walls of the balloon mingled and mixed with the air outside losing its definition, while the walls got smaller and smaller. The boundary became smaller while the contents held within the boundary grew boundless.

We are so defined by our self imposed boundaries. We have many labels and attach limitations to our being based on those labels. We really are limitless beings. We believe we have boundaries, and hence we remain bound to the limits of our imagination. It also came to me, by dropping our boundaries, it does not mean we drop who we physically are.. we don't physically stop being a mother, a father, a child, a sibling, an employee, an employer, a friend... we just drop the mind idea of what the limitations to that role are. We don't try to change the physical limitations based on a new set of imagination, rather we drop the imagination.

My idea of a mother is not the same as what someone in Africa thinks a mother should be (for that matter, it is not the same as what my neighbor may think a mother should be). I draw my boundaries of being a mother based on my "idea" of what a mother is. When I drop that boundary, I don't stop being a mother, I just let go the tightness that comes with my "mind idea" of a "mother". When I am a friend.. a limitless, boundless friend.. imagination of limitless and boundless keeps me bound.. but just a short samyama-like letting go.. limitless, boundless friend.. Ahhhh... yes! This part of letting go is the part I cannot put in words. It's a very subtle shift.. I read an email from a client, I feel a slight discomfort, I look within.. I identify myself with the role of an employee.. I drop or expand the boundary of what I believe my role as an employee is.. not go into mind stories and justification of what my role is.. it's a very vague boundary that I have of this role.. and I let it go. That's all.

With every moment or every meditation, we just bring up the concepts we have very vaguely and let them dissolve.. opening and allowing the boundaries to dissolve. This way, without physically trying to change the world and our way of living, we only let go the "ideas" we have of our world and us. Drop the boundary. Not expecting anything to happen... expecting is again getting the mind involved.. just expand/drop our boundary... and watch. Like Jason Mraz sings.. "open up your plans and damn you're free".. let go the ideas we have of us.. and we no longer are bound to "Me" and "Mine". We can still be a friend, we don't physically try to change anything, to us a friend is "this" and "this" and "that, just drop the definition of friendship, and our horizons, inner knowing expand beyond what we know a friend to be.

The words to this song (at this point in my life) says exactly this..

I am not the mind, intellect, thought, ego, or a supreme being.
I am neither the meal (bhojanam) nor the one who consumes (bhojyam) or what is consumed (bhokta);
I am neither a father (pita) nor a mother (maata),
I am neither kin/relatives (bandhu), nor friend (mitram);
I am not a guru and nor am I a disciple (shishya).

These lines started off meaning I am not physically any of my labels.. but right now it is more a case of I am not bound by the "idea" I have of these labels. When I drop my boundaries, I can be all of my labels and yet not be bound to any one of them.

We don't have to renounce the world, just our ideas of the world.

Atma-Shatakam - by Adi Shankara (Shivoham)

2009-11-11T20:10:00.005-05:00

Nov 20 2008

A few months back, as I sat meditating one day, after something that happened that caused me to feel very disturbed... I watched how "I" dissolved when I meditated, and yet every time I went back into thoughts.. the "I" started rising like flames of a fire.

I began to play with this.. brought back the thoughts and "I", as a daughter, mother, wife grew stronger.. when I relaxed back into the bliss of meditation.. "I" dissolved.. I was not a mother or daughter or wife.

The need to protect my image dissolved.. the need to protect my place as a daughter, as a mother, as a wife did not exist.. and yet when I brought back my thoughts.. like adding fuel to fire.. "I" came roaring back.. the more thoughts I added.. the more defined "I" became. The more there was a sense of "me" and "mine", the more "I" existed, the more protection "I" needed, the more "I" wanted, the more hurt there was, so much energy went into keeping the "I" in place....

...and once again I immersed in letting go the thoughts and dissolve in meditation.. the "I" vanished. It was an amazing experience.. to see how my thoughts keep "me" in place.

Since then this song has become very meaningful to me. I listen to it very often.. and anytime I go into feeling any kind of discomfort.. I watch the "I" grow.. and I sing this song:

I am not the mind, intellect, thought, ego, or a supreme being.
I myself am the joy of pure consciousness I am Shiva (the silence).

I am not the air (prana) nor a part of essential five gases (pancha vayuhu) nor the seven-fold material (sapta dhatur), I am not part of five coverings (pancha koshaha) that help to build up the personality. Nor am I the five organs of action.
I myself am the joy of pure consciousness I am Shiva (the silence).

I am not attached to any punya (righteousness) or paapa (sin); I have neither pleasure (sukhya) nor sorrow (dukham); I don't need Mantra or pilgrimages (tirtham) or sacred scriptures (veda) or sacrifice or rituals (yagnaha); I am neither the meal (bhojanam) nor the one who consumes (bhojyam) or what is consumed (bhokta);
I myself am the joy of pure consciousness I am Shiva (the silence).

I do not need Dharma (Law of Life), Artha (Wealth), Kama (Desires) and Moksha (Liberation). I have no fear of death, nor do I have caste distinctions; I am neither a father (pita) nor a mother (maata).. I was never born; I am neither kin/relatives (bandhu). nor friend (mitram); I am not a guru and nor am I a disciple (shishya).
I myself am the joy of pure consciousness I am Shiva (the silence).

I am free of thoughts and beyond imagination (nirvikalpo) since I have no form (nirakara rupo);
I myself am the joy of pure consciousness I am Shiva (the silence).

I would like to share the song that helps dissolve "me" .. If you have a few mins please do listen to the song... not only are the lyrics beautiful.. but you can really feel the shraddha (devotion) in her voice and the vibrations of the Sanskrit words dissolving you.

This is the version of the song I listen to: its called ATMASTAKAM from the album Chant of Shiva or more popularly known as Shivoham Shivoham ... it makes me melt into nothing when the "I" gets strong..

A more western version of the same song:
DEVA PREMAL - SHIVOHAM SHIVOHAM

Here are the Sanskrit words to the song (in red) and the English translations (in blue)

Mano buddhya-hankara chittani naham
Na cha shrotra jihve, na cha ghrana netre
Na cha vyoma bhumirna tejo na vayuhu
Chidananda rupah shivoham shivoham . (1)

I am not the mind, intellect, thought, ego, or some form of the supreme being; I neither have ears, nor tongue and I neither have nose (nostrils) nor eyes; I am not the sky, earth, light or the wind; I am the fortunate, joyful, supreme being who is the very emblem of truth, knowledge and eternal bliss.
I am consciousness and bliss. I am Shiva, I am Shiva.

Na cha prana sangno na vai pancha vayuhu
Na va sapta dhatur na va pancha koshaha
Na vak pani padau na chopastha payoo
Chidananda rupah shivoham shivoham .(2).

I am not the most essential air that everyone breathes. Nor a part of essential five gases related to bodily functions (which are Prana, Aparna, Vyana, Udana and Samana). I am not the seven-fold material (Rasa, Rakta, Mamsa, Medas, Asthi,Majja and Shukra) that help in body's physical development, I am not part of five coverings that help to build up the personality (food, air, mind, knowledge or wisdom and pleasure). Nor am I the five organs of action (which are speech/mouth, hands, feet, reproductive and rectum), I am the fortunate, joyful, supreme being who is the very emblem of truth, knowledge and eternal bliss.

I am consciousness and bliss. I am Shiva, I am Shiva.

Na me dvesha ragau na me lobha mohau

Mado naiva me naiva matsarya bhavah

Na dharmo na chartho na kamo na mokshah

Chidananda rupah shivoham shivoham .(3).

I have no likes or dislikes; Not I have any greed or delusion; I have no pride or arrogant vanity; Nor am I jealous of anyone or in competition with anyone ; I do not need the four main necessities of life (which are Dharma (Law of Life), Artha (Wealth), Kama (Desires) and Moksha (Liberation); I am the fortunate, joyful,supreme being who is the very emblem of truth, knowledge and eternal bliss.

I am consciousness and bliss. I am Shiva, I am Shiva.

Na punyam na papam na saukhyam na dukham

Na mantro na tirtham na veda na yagnaha

Aham bhojanam naiva bhojyam na bhokta

Chidananda rupah shivoham shivoham .(4).

I am not attached to any righteousness or sin; I have neither pleasure nor sorrow; I have no need for any Mantra; I have no need for pilgrimages ; I have no need for any sacred scriptures; nor do I perform any sacrifise or rituals; I am neither the meal nor the one who consumes or what is consumed;

I am the fortunate, joyful,supreme being who is the very emblem of truth, knowledge and eternal bliss.
I am consciousness and bliss. I am Shiva, I am Shiva.

Na me mrutyu shanka na me jati bhedah

Pita naiva me naiva mata na janma

Na bandhur na mitram gurur naiva shishyah

Chidananda rupah shivoham shivoham .(5).

I have no fear of death, nor do I have caste distinctions; I neither have a father nor mother because I was never born; I have neither kin/relatives nor friends; I have no gurus and nor am I a disciple; I am the fortunate, joyful, supreme being who is the very emblem of truth, knowledge and eternal bliss.
I am consciousness and bliss. I am Shiva, I am Shiva.

Aham nirvikalpo nirakara rupo

Vibhur vyapya sarvatra sarvendriyanam

Sada me samatvam na muktir na bandhah

Chidananda rupah shivoham shivoham .(6).

I am free of thoughts and beyond imagination since I have no form; I am all pervading and exist everywhere; I am the king of all sense-organs; I am always impartial to everything and everyone,; I am free from everything and I have no attachment to anything; I am the fortunate, joyful, supreme being who is the very emblem of truth, knowledge and eternal bliss.

I am consciousness and bliss. I am Shiva, I am Shiva.

Drop till "You" Drop.

2009-11-11T18:16:00.003-05:00

Aug 25 2008

This technique is based on something that Nithyananda talks about:

Contemplate Beyond Perception.

As you go about your day.. and you realize you are caught up in thoughts.. drop the thought.. meaning stop thinking the thought. Like Nithyanada says don't give a logical end to the thought.. just drop the thought.. then the next thought comes up.. drop, then next.. drop, and so on.. then your mind will fix on the dropping.. then drop the dropping. It's like the technique of "neti neti".. "not this not that".. It is really amazing.

The sutra is (I enjoyed both Nithyanada's way of explaing it in the video above and Osho's way [you can read it if you click on the sutra below]):

86. SUPPOSE YOU CONTEMPLATE SOMETHING, BEYOND PERCEPTION, BEYOND GRASPING, BEYOND NOT BEING - YOU.

Now this was hard for me to get at first. Like Osho says:

"It is impossible (to contemplate beyond perception), but that's why it is worth doing, because in the very effort something will happen to you. Not that you will become capable of perceiving - if you try to perceive something that cannot be perceived, all perceptions will be lost."

But my mind could not think of what to perceive.. what was beyond the perception... so I started off with Nithyananda's technique of dropping everyday thoughts. And some more.. and some more.. Always doubting if that was the right way to do it.

Yesterday tho.. I had the most awesome experience. During our AYP Long Distance group meditation.. and thanks to whoever participated... and also to all the people around the world who were praying, chanting, meditating yesterday.. because it was Lord Krishna's birthday.. there was love energy going into meditation itself.. but then when I started off.. I felt myself expand.. it grew and grew.. it engulfed people around me.. my family, friends.. then the world.. then the masters.. then Ma herself.. but it went beyond.. it grew far beyond.. the universe.. and more.. till I could not go any further.. but it kept expanding.

A few times I found myself back in thoughts.. "what's for lunch?", "when should I take the kids swimming?", "need to get the fertilizer in and add the weed block and water the plants".. the min I realized I was in thoughts.. I dropped the thoughts and was again transported beyond thoughts. I experienced, "Thoughts are so limiting".. it keeps us bound to what we know. We find the need to think our solutions here in these thoughts.. but just a little beyond it is a world where we are not limited.. where the limiting thoughts have no power.. where all problems seem like the head of a pin.. and the grip the things have on you are lost.. how can something that seems so big when we are in it have any hold on us when we look at it from outside the universe.

The best part was samyama.. I took the names of the members of my family and let go... the names traveled far into the universe and beyond.. till I lost it... and yet it seemed to travel on. The mind dropped in to try and control the outcome.. as to make sure this and that are taken care of in the prayers toward my family.. but for the first time the mind was humbled by the beauty and vastness of letting go because it saw how small and limited it was.. and there was so much more beyond the mind... for the first time it saw the pleasure in "not knowing but just trusting". It still attached a few clause to the samyama.. like.. "OK I give you a week to make this work" .. but for the most part. my mind for the first time experienced "resistance is futile"... and felt defeated.. but like Yogani had once told me.. feeling defeated is not bad.. because after defeat comes surrender. And tho the mind surrendered to this vastness.. there was no sense of loss.. it was more a feeling of "ahhhh... now I can relax and let the universe take care of Shweta".

Living in the present

2009-11-11T17:55:00.000-05:00

Jun 13 2008

Living in the present

Living in the present does not have to be a mental struggle..

Just love what you are doing...

and you are here.

~Shweta

Experiencing The Gap.

2009-11-11T17:51:00.005-05:00

Feb 21 2008

I have been following a technique for a few months that has really helped me a lot and maybe it will help others. This technique would not have worked for me a year back. Some amount of inner silence is required for this to work. Anyone reading this, if you don't get it, please don't try to get it.. let it go and come back to it after a little while. It works wonders.. and it will work. So if for any reason you are wondering "what the heck is she talking about".. just let it go for now.

Thoughts like anything else in life, come up as waves. There is the point when the thought is forming (Creation-Brahma), when you are thinking the thought (Preservation-Vishnu) and when the thought drops/fades away (Destruction-Shiva)... to come up with the next thought. To make it clearer.. lets say you are looking at the screen.. now you move your focus to a pencil on your desk.. so.. you are bringing the pencil into focus (creation), you focus on the pencil (preservation), then you look at the screen again.. so your focus on the pencil fades (destruction). The same things happens with thoughts.

Even a year back if someone told me this, I would not have seen it. To me thoughts were a continuous flow without breaks.. constant chatter.

The technique:

Close your eyes and think about something you are really passionate about. This is important in the beginning when you are first learning the technique. It must be something that makes you really happy (you could do it with something that makes you really angry or sad.. but it's more fun starting off with something that makes you very happy.) Now bring up the thought in your mind and just before the thought forms.. STOP.. and stay in that gap. You will feel a lot of bliss and ecstasy. Stay as long as you can in this gap.. it may be a few seconds or a few mins. Then bring the thought up in your mind... then drop the thought (let it fade away).. and just as it is fading away from your mind... Stop.. You should feel the same bliss.

As you continue with this practice the time you can stay in the gap increases. The prominence of ecstasy reduces (as with all practices) and you can actually live in pure awareness for a few mins.. no thoughts just pure bliss.

Any thoughts, emotions, feelings that bother you (the stronger the feeling the easier it is to observe how effective this technique is)... Consciously bring it up into your mind.. and just before the thought/emotion/feeling can manifest.. stop. You may have to try it a few times, but the entire thing just dissolves. You will feel yourself physically relaxing too. It comes very handy to unlearn the physical tensions that our body has not forgotten .

As you get better at this, you can use it in every moment of your life. The more you use it.. the more you will start living in your inner silence. This technique is like a key that unlocks the door which gives you access to your inner silence/bliss any time of the day. It has not caused any overloads in me and actually helps calm any overloads that may happen as a result of other practices. Whatever the symptoms.. bring it up in your mind and before it manifests stop and it dissolves in the bliss. Has worked for stiff neck and back (dues to stress), slight headaches etc. When you wake up from a nightmare that scares you and you find it hard to go back to sleep.. bring up the dream and let it dissolve in the bliss. When something irritates you.. again bring it up and let it dissolve in the bliss. When you are worried, tired, stressed, sad.. really just about at any moment.. you can let it go in this bliss. It is also a great way to center yourself in awareness. Anytime during the day you find yourself mindy.. just do this technique and you will be centered in your awareness.

******************************************************************************

The above technique is something that came form reading the commentaries of sutra 22 in the book Stanzas on Vibration Mark Dyczkowski...

"22. SPANDA IS STABLE IN THE
STATE ONE ENTERS WHEN EXTREMELY
ANGRY, INTENSELY EXCITED,
RUNNING OR WONDERING
WHAT TO DO."

Five Stages.

2009-11-11T17:11:00.002-05:00

Dec 18 2007

I've gone through what seems like 5 stages so far in this lifetime.

The first stage was the phase where I had no concept of spirituality. There was God and religion. Yoga was a set of stretching exercises that kept your body fit and meditation was a technique used to calm the mind and relax, reduce stress. Spirituality was something that happened to the yogis and holy men dressed in saffron clothing and lived somewhere in the Himalayas.

Then I got introduced to spirituality and the wonders of visions and siddhis and bliss and finding God.... with that came trying to "get" and wanting to achieve and looking for signs that it works and aiming for a goal.. etc http://www.aypsite.org/forum/topic.asp?TOPIC_ID=851#3743 I realized yoga was more than just a bunch of stretching exercises and meditation was wayyyyy more powerful than just a stress reducing technique.

Then I came to a stage where I realized there was a mind, an ego and I tried to understand my mind with my mind. http://www.aypsite.org/forum/topic.asp?TOPIC_ID=968 . I also got tired of trying and looking and kinda realized I had to stop looking and do my practice without any expectations. I had to let go and let flow. These were still concepts and I was still trying to get it all with my mind.

Then came the stage where I started watching the mind doing its things and not be involved in it. This involved understanding beyond the mind. http://www.aypsite.org/forum/topic.asp?TOPIC_ID=2794 , http://www.aypsite.org/forum/topic.asp?TOPIC_ID=2794#25395 . I could let go and let flow. Everything I was trying to get with my mind, I got without my mind and realized I knew all of this all along.. all I had to do was drop my mind's non-stop commentary/translation/explanation of every second of my life and not be limited to the mind's understanding of everything. Be ready to accept what came my way.. without having to dissect it or explain it or understand it.. and when I stopped trying to "get it" with my mind.. I "got it" without my mind. (Have you ever tried listening to a person or reading something without your mind translating every word for you.. try it.. it really is possible to listen and understand without your mind translating the words for you. Till a while back I did not realize, I never did listen to anyone.. I listened to what my mind thought they were saying.)

And now I seem to be in the fifth stage.. where I realize there is no "me". For some time now, I have been saying.. whatever has to happen will happen, it's all Ma's/God's will and the more we allow and let go.. the less resistance we put up.. the easier it gets for life to flow. For some time now I have also been saying.. I do nothing.. Ma /God does it all. But all this time, I had a concept that life energy/Ma's blessings flowed through me.. I was Shweta, in this body, very much alive. Everything was being done to me, through me... I heard and read many many many times the words "there is no Me"... but just did not get it. Few days back the "me" dropped. There is not just no "I" doing anything.. there is no "I". The best way to explain the experience:

It felt like the invisible man. Just like the clothes and bandage and gloves made him real/visible.. its this form that makes me Shweta.. Just as he is not there when his bandage, hat, gloves, clothes, shoes come off and yet he can do everything... so too the "Me" dissolves when the form Shweta drops and yet I function like I always did. I have a headache.. I feel the pain but I don't live the pain.. I am tired and achy.. every muscle in my body hurts.. but a part of me has no association with it.. there is pain.. which feels like a dream.. I feel it.. but it does not stop me from anything because I am not living it. I feel stress, I get into ego.. then it dissolves and is forgotten. Every morning is a like the first day of my life. If you ask me.. so what did you do yesterday.. my mind kinda goes in a panic (and it's stories.. see you are losing your mind :-D.).. since there is no resident memory of it in my active mind.. and yet if I think I can tell you exactly what I did yesterday with perfect clarity. Living in the present has never been so natural. Once again, it is so hard to put this experience in words.. this is so beyond the mind and so beyond words.

None of these were stand alone phases.. they all kinda merge into each other.. but is a beautiful evolution. It reminds me of the butterfly and Yogani's reference of the butterfly emerging from a cocoon, in his book The Secrets Of Wilder, has a different depth/beauty to it. When I was 37 (loooong years) I looked at my life and thought, I have wasted all these years of my life, if I knew about spirituality earlier I could have lived so much better and had such a productive life and would have found Ma by now.. and today 3 years later.. I feel like the 40 years is such a short period in the life times I have gone through and the years/life times I still have to go through. And would not have wanted even one second of this lifetime to be different. I have never felt so much heartfelt love and gratitude for life.

Mind Filters: Dropping the "Love" Story.

2009-11-11T16:59:00.002-05:00

Sep 09 2007

Note: This was an experience based on the "Mind Filters" post.

In my own experience, the term "Love" has always been attached to many emotions and sentiments (mind filters:)). I had no idea there was something like pure love.. a feeling that is not associated with any emotion.. It does not feel like romantic love for a partner, or caring, protective love for a child, or grateful, respectful love for a parent, etc. It is just pure feeling arising from the heart with absolutely no emotions/labels attached. We have all experienced this at some time or the other, however they may have been very fleeting feelings that we have not realized existed, and that we may not have recognized as Love.

Yesterday I was reading the Alchemist by Paul Coehlo.. and there was a part where he says "He tried to deal with the concept of love as distinct from possession, and couldn't separate them". Later during meditation a though arose "you can love without possession". This thought started expanding.. it was spreading and automatically being applied to people in my life.. a feeling of just pure love with no stories attached. I stayed with it for a bit.. then finished my meditation.

Later I was driving alone when the thought of someone who has been a very negative influence on my life came to me. I saw her in my mind.. and before last night , any time I thought of her, my emotions took over and I would get sad and depressed and drown in self pity. But this time was different. I could see very clearly.. I realized that she really did love me and all her possessive, controlling, trying to change me, was her own distorted way of showing me her love. That is the only way she knew how to show love. When that filter of all the mental and emotional abuse she put me through dropped, all I saw was the love behind it. I am not saying what she did was right or it was OK for her to treat another human the way she did. All I am saying is when I saw the story, I could drop it and become free from it. I realized that it was not how she treated me that kept me imprisoned, it was the story my mind made around the situation that kept me imprisoned.. and when I drop the story, all that is left is love.

I realized what the statement, "you can love without possession" meant. Possession does not have to mean physical possession.. just holding on to a mental story is also a kind of possession.. and dropping this mental story is really loving someone without possessing.

I went through the entire evening, enjoying this new opening, this new freedom.. it was such a tiny switch, but such a huge relief. All through the evening, my ego tried to create another story to show me how flawed my thinking was.. but it just could not stick. I could appy this to many other situations in my life.. and it was so easy to feel love.

As I sat with this all evening, I felt love emanating from my heart. Such pure emotionless, sentiment-less, story-less love. It expanded and took over me.. and then around everyone I knew.. I had no identity.. I was not Shanti, I was not a woman, nor was I a mother or wife or daughter or friend.. I was just love with no boundaries. I looked up to thank Ma, and my awareness was drawn within.. I realized, Ma was in me, Ma was me, I was Ma. I had tears of love and gratitude rolling down my cheeks.

And the best part of this whole thing.. None of it was mystical, no lights and bells and angels and aums.. No image of Ma.. No blessings from the skies.. Nothing.. just a pure feeling of love, a pure essence of Ma and a pure joy in my heart. Nothing changed in my life.. and yet everything has changed. I am lighter and see more clearly.. and yet every one of the situations that existed before last evening are still there. I just don't have an attachment to it. It is such a minuscule shift in perception.. and yet such a life changing shift.

I don't know if I manged to convey anything in this post. It is so hard to put these experiences into words. All I can say is, it comes your way when you least expect it.. and is as normal a feeling as looking at the palm of your hand. You may be looking at it everyday.. and suddenly one day you will see it

Mind Filters.

2009-11-11T16:58:00.012-05:00

Jul 26 2007

I have realized something that I would like to share. Feelings arise in us.. good and bad.. and once you learn to observe your mind/ego (I will use the word mind in this post).. you will see that any time a feeling arises, the mind tries to make sense of it and runs it through a life filter. It will either pass it through a filter of something that is happening right now and associate the feeling with it, or if it cannot fit it into anything happening right now (like everything is going great.. and yet you feel sudden sadness in your heart).. it will go back and look through it's memory bank and find something from the past that will fit perfectly with that feeling.

The feeling is just there.. it was always just there.. till the mind decided to do its job and process it by passing it through a filter, put a label on it and tuck it away somewhere in memory for future reference. When you learn to watch your mind, you can see this clearly.

When the emotion arising is a weak one, you can actually ignore the label being attached to it by the mind.. and ride the feeling.. happy or sad or angry or silly.. till it dissolves.

When the emotion is too strong and the mind attaching a label to it seems hard to get past .. allow the mind to get its way.. but don't get attached to the label.. if I try and fight the mind at this point.. I kinda get frustrated.. well, I am still learning and maybe after awhile it gets to a point when you can ignore labels to the strong emotions the same way you do the weak ones.. not sure.. but for now... let the mind have its way.. but know, that is what it is.. the mind having its way .. don't get attached to the label.. don't act on the label.. this strong feeling too will dissolve.. and depending on how much you decided to attach yourself to the story your mind spun, based on the filter.. it will dissolve in a few hours.. or few days.. or a lifetime. (When a child is playing and has a make believe world, you go with it (the story) and enjoy her imagination and play along with her.. but don't get attached to it and believe it to be a true world.. she may, but you don't.. just like that.. the mind believes its a true story.. but you don't have to).

All the negative feelings we have been holding on to so dearly with our lives are nothing but stories our mind created to explain the feelings arising in us.. once we can let go of the stories.. we will feel the feelings for what they are.. just energy.. nothing negative about them really. Energy is energy.. it is how our body reacts to the energy that determines how we react to it... The same goes with thoughts.. they are all finally energy.. energy(thoughts/feelings/emotions) arising in us, no need to label them.. just experience them.. go with whatever way the body reacts to it.. brings up a smile, brings up tears.. and ride through it.. without associating a word to it. Oh I smiled.. so this is a happy energy.. Oh I am crying.. so this is a sad energy.. Really, no need to label them. They are just there.. let them flow and enjoy the feeling of lightness that follows it when you don't attach to it.

The Journey...

2009-11-11T16:53:00.002-05:00

Mar 27 2006

Last night I was thinking about something... last year... I was focused on my destination... there was nothing I wanted more. This year... I still hope to reach my destination... but, nobody ever told me that the journey itself would be so beautiful. There is no book I have read that tells you about the journey.. just the destination... This beautiful journey has its downs, but each down just opens a new door.. it is no longer a search for me... I am no longer looking for an answer... somehow I am at peace... somehow I know I am at the right place... with the right people... I am home.