As the living in the now becomes more and more steady, I have noticed that I tend to forget things a lot. I feel like I have forgotten everything, life is teaching me everything new. As conditioning is dropping, there is very little reference from the past to fall back on. So everything I do now is like doing it for the first time. It's a bit scary, not knowing, feeling things not in control, and yet everything flowing... and learning anew to do things without stress. If there is discomfort in this moment, it is always because there is some memory of the past or worry about the future in this moment. But when it is only this moment, there is doing without the stress. After the fact there is a bit of mind jumping in and saying, "OMG, what if it hadn't worked out the way it did... you should plan more". But there is no choice but to trust the moment. Reminds me the movie Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.. where he steps into the abyss and ....
I talked to Yogani about this. He said: "It is a phase. A gradual shift from mind-based living to stillness-based living, with the necessary adjustments occurring along the way. Memory will be there when needed.The flow of inspiration is an endless river, and we can tap into it any time we like according to the need of the moment. No way to catch all that water flowing by. So let it go. When you need something, it will be there.The forgetting is letting go of the past. Whatever we need from the past will also be there when we need it, like the river mentioned above.We can get used to anything. It takes some time to develop trust in what is. It can be a little lonely and disorienting in the meantime.Every day is that "step of faith..."
A few days back I realized something else. I was getting myself a cup of tea as I do every morning at work. I washed the cup and filled it with hot water. I suddenly had a strange feeling like I was doing this for the first time. It was the first time in my life I was washing a cup and filling it with hot water. It was a very strange feeling. I experience this "doing regular mundane things for the first time" feeling very often... but that day I realized, it was not a feeling of doing it for the first time, it actually was a feeling of experiencing the moment completely. I had done this (make a cup of tea) every morning... it was mechanical and paid no attention to what I was doing. But that day I was experiencing the feeling of being completely present and fully experiencing the moment of washing and filling a cup. It felt like I had never done it before cause for one there was no memory, in the moment, of doing it yesterday, and since there was no memory in the moment of doing this yesterday I really had never done it before other than in that moment. So any time I experience a moment truly in the now (it is spontaneous, I cannot make it happen, the experience is suddenly there,) no memory from the past or imagination from the future, there is a feeling of doing whatever I am doing in that moment, for the first time. Although at first it would feel strange and a bit scary to the mind... I seem to be easing into this phase and enjoying these moments more and more. With the easing in, the trust, or that leap of faith seems to be getting more and more a part of my every day living.
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