Dropping the "me"

Aug 06 2009

Before self inquiry, any time I suffered, it was someone else's fault. After self inquiry, I saw how no one else was responsible for me. I create my "heaven" and "hell". I could then drop many many many stories, labels and be free from suffering. The bigger ones (like people should behave a certain way, I should be treated a certain way, I should have all these things to make me happy, etc. ) are easier to drop, but the ones that are closer to heart and an ingrained part of our conditioning (subtle) are harder to drop.

Over the past couple of months, I have been going through loads of highs and lows. None of them last long, but they were getting thrown my way left, right and center. Although in my heart I knew it was important, I was really getting tired of this. Over the two months I have had many openings and realizations. But after every opening, the longing, uneasiness in my heart just came right back. It was like my bhakti was not going to let me rest in my opening and enjoy the high that came with it. I was getting frustrated, because I know and have experienced how the mind keeps all the suffering in place, and yet when in a low, I was completely pulled in. No self inquiry helped.

Here is how I saw it:

Awareness <-------------> Me (mind/body)
      |                    |
      |                    |
      V                    V
(stillness)             (highs/lows)

Things happen and when I am closer to awareness (stillness) I can let it all go.. I know its not happening to me.. it just is. When I am tired, or going thru purification, and the exact same thing happens, I now believe this is all happening to "Me". The beauty is while in awareness and when stuff happens, I can let the attachment to things go.. this becomes a habit, so when in the middle of "identifying with me".. the natural habit of identifying with me now drops faster. Hence the suffering of 3 years can be 3 min now. However, when identified with the "Me", self inquiry did not seem to help at all.

Whenever there is a true letting go, the situation will not cause any reaction, doesn't matter if we are identified with awareness or with our body/mind. If something can cause us any kind of flutter even for a second, we have not let it go completely. But I could not see how to let go the things that were causing me these flutters. That is when I realized, there was more to this than just the mind level self inquiry I was doing. There was healing and letting go needed at levels beyond the mind.

Anyways, three days back I was blessed with a huge opening without the usual "high", just stillness.. access to complete stillness and expansion. I have also had something major revealed to me. I could actually bring up and feel the emotions that accompanied many of the attachments I have not been able to separate myself from. It came to me to bring up the stories and let them go into the stillness I was experiencing. Like samyama. So I did. I brought one up, "my children may not love me in the future", and let it go in stillness. "My mom-in-law may come live with us", let it go, "I may be able to write, but I cannot teach in public, I may make a fool of myself in front of people", let it go, and a few others. As I continued with this, I saw the common thread in all of this... "fear". I saw how everything, everything that was bothering me and that I could not let go had the common emotion "fear" driving it.
So I began to do samyama on the situation, dropped it into silence, then "fear" and dropped it into silence (bringing up the situation brings fear to the heart, so along with the word, I dropped the emotion) and then the "I" and dropped it into silence. I could not see how the "I" fit into this, but since it was "I" feeling this emotion due to the situation, I just went with it.

Soon the situations dissolved and only the emotion of fear remained. I remember someone once telling me or reading somewhere, "you can let go one situation at a time, or you can let it all go at one time. The first way will take forever, but the second will work in an instant". I was clueless as to how I can drop it all at once. There are so many things that make me sad or upset or scared. So I have been going with one thing at a time. Flutter.. hmmmm look into it.. ahh.. identify the story.. OK now drop it.. For the first time, after I saw the common emotion in every situation was "fear". I got how I can let it all go at one time by identifying the one common thread that keeps the string of suffering together.

So I continued samyama on the energy of "fear" and "I". Other than doing a sitting practice of this, outside my meditation time, I started doing this all through the day any time I felt a flutter in me. I looked into what caused the flutter, looked for the underlying emotion, it was always fear, fear of not being perfect, of being judged. So I picked up "fear" and dropped it in silence, then the word "I" and dropped it in silence. I still could not see how the "I" fit into this.

Then yesterday, while doing this practice, I suddenly saw..

"Who is this fear happening to?", "Me".

Who is this me? The container of this energy.

What me? A mother/friend/daughter-in-law.

                           "I"
                            | 
                            |
                            v 
    ___________________________________________________
    |                                     |           |
    |                                     |           |
    |                                     |           |
    v                                     v           v
The situation (not a good mother) -----> fear-----> "Me"

So the mother (label), the fear (emotion) and Me (the container), were three components that kept the "I" in place. No wonder I could never really completely let go. Now when the final component of "me" is dropped the "I" dissolves. I am still working on it. But it seems big and so I thought I'd share it here. Maybe it will help someone else who is having a tough time with "who am I" kind of inquiry.

Fall in love with...

Sept 23 2009

 Fall in love with...

Fall in love with the gift being given to you
Not the box it comes in.

Fall in love with the silence

Not the practices that bring you silence.

Fall in love with the truth being revealed to you

Not the guru or system that is delivering the truth.

We miss so much by focusing on the form that delivers the truth to us.

The ego will analyze, judge, defend, a guru or a system.

That is what the ego loves to do.. engage itself in something.

But when we let go the judgment, the analyzing, the defending...

We let the actual teachings in.

These teachings are real subtle and beyond the mind.

Hence the mind does not get it.

Be....

....silent......

Let go the attachment to the gift box

And start enjoying the gift.

The truths being sent to us

The blessings being poured into our lives.

Fall in love with....

The guru in you...

The silence.

Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhh......

~Shweta

Let go

Sept 17 2009

 Let go

Let it go my dear

Don't hold on to what is no more

Let it go

Let go so you can make room

For something new...

Something that is waiting patiently round the corner

Waiting for you to let go and make some space

So it can sneak in and fill your heart.

~Shweta

This one came to me in meditation and at that point it seemed to be especially for a dear friend. I felt her presence and a strong connection with her during meditation and then the above words arose. But the words above were so true for me and many I know that I thought I'd put it out here. It is for anyone who is touched by it.

Turn around..

Aug 25 2009

Turn around..

Walking backward into the ocean..

Wondering if the next wave will hit me hard or be gentle..

Afraid of the unknown I step into...

based on the memories of the past waves that hit me.

Just turn around..

Now you can see the waves as they form..

Each one has nothing to do with the waves that passed by..

Each wave is new.

Walking backwards into the future..

Looking into the past..

Afraid of the unknown I step into..

based on the memories of the past experiences that hit me.

Just turn around..

Now step into the future.

Each moment is new.

~Shweta

Now..

Jun 26 2009

Now.. 

I was caught up in my mind.

When others suffered, I suffered with them.

It hurt to see the pain others went through.

I realized my mind.

I watched in amusement.

I went into my "now" bubble

And said it is what it is.

I am living in the present.

This now is so perfect.

This now is so peaceful.

Nothing can touch me here in my bubble.

No pain exists here.

This now is where I want to be.

But through it all,

Yogani said,

"in order to get enlightenment,

you need to give it away."

The words of Nithyananda haunted me

"Enlightenment is not just living in the now,

It's living the past, the present and future, now"

Why do they say that?

Why not live here?

There is nothing wrong with this moment.

I am bliss right here right now.

I now am in the now.

It still is all what it is.

But there is more to this "now", than living in my bubble.

There is much doing to take care of.

Even if it is just an intent of "not suffering" for the other.

There is more living now.

I suffered with my eyes open.

I closed my eyes and enjoyed the "now".

I was in awareness and no pain exists.

It's time to open my eyes

And live in the "now".

No more hiding in awareness.

Everything is as it is.

Things will happen as they will.

But I am the instrument through which the divine flows.

And I have rested in my loving Ma's arms to heal,

Not once did she ask me to be any way I did not want to be,

But I have rested long enough...

"now" its time to carry out the will of my Mother.

So I pray to one and all,

And I pray to my Mother,

Give me your blessings.

So I can become the channel

Through which my Mother flows.

~Shweta

Dropping Boundaries - Atma-Shatakam - by Adi Shankara (continued)

Apr 16 2009  

Note: This is continued from here

The meaning of this song is so much deeper than I had comprehended and getting deeper still.

My heartfelt thanks to Sri Adi Shankara.

I am going to make an attempt to put in words things that are beyond words. The meaning of the lines below cannot be understood with the literal words.. they come from an understanding that comes from letting go.. from un-understanding the ideas we have associated with the words.

Few weeks back during meditation, the words arose, "drop your boundaries". It felt like a balloon deflating and the air from inside the balloon, that was bound to the limited space of the walls of the balloon mingled and mixed with the air outside losing its definition, while the walls got smaller and smaller. The boundary became smaller while the contents held within the boundary grew boundless.

We are so defined by our self imposed boundaries. We have many labels and attach limitations to our being based on those labels. We really are limitless beings. We believe we have boundaries, and hence we remain bound to the limits of our imagination. It also came to me, by dropping our boundaries, it does not mean we drop who we physically are.. we don't physically stop being a mother, a father, a child, a sibling, an employee, an employer, a friend... we just drop the mind idea of what the limitations to that role are. We don't try to change the physical limitations based on a new set of imagination, rather we drop the imagination.

My idea of a mother is not the same as what someone in Africa thinks a mother should be (for that matter, it is not the same as what my neighbor may think a mother should be). I draw my boundaries of being a mother based on my "idea" of what a mother is. When I drop that boundary, I don't stop being a mother, I just let go the tightness that comes with my "mind idea" of a "mother". When I am a friend.. a limitless, boundless friend.. imagination of limitless and boundless keeps me bound.. but just a short samyama-like letting go.. limitless, boundless friend.. Ahhhh... yes! This part of letting go is the part I cannot put in words. It's a very subtle shift.. I read an email from a client, I feel a slight discomfort, I look within.. I identify myself with the role of an employee.. I drop or expand the boundary of what I believe my role as an employee is.. not go into mind stories and justification of what my role is.. it's a very vague boundary that I have of this role.. and I let it go. That's all.

With every moment or every meditation, we just bring up the concepts we have very vaguely and let them dissolve.. opening and allowing the boundaries to dissolve. This way, without physically trying to change the world and our way of living, we only let go the "ideas" we have of our world and us. Drop the boundary. Not expecting anything to happen... expecting is again getting the mind involved.. just expand/drop our boundary... and watch. Like Jason Mraz sings.. "open up your plans and damn you're free".. let go the ideas we have of us.. and we no longer are bound to "Me" and "Mine". We can still be a friend, we don't physically try to change anything, to us a friend is "this" and "this" and "that, just drop the definition of friendship, and our horizons, inner knowing expand beyond what we know a friend to be.

The words to this song (at this point in my life) says exactly this..

I am not the mind, intellect, thought, ego, or a supreme being.
I am neither the meal (bhojanam) nor the one who consumes (bhojyam) or what is consumed (bhokta);
I am neither a father (pita) nor a mother (maata),
I am neither kin/relatives (bandhu), nor friend (mitram);
I am not a guru and nor am I a disciple (shishya).

These lines started off meaning I am not physically any of my labels.. but right now it is more a case of I am not bound by the "idea" I have of these labels. When I drop my boundaries, I can be all of my labels and yet not be bound to any one of them.

We don't have to renounce the world, just our ideas of the world.

Atma-Shatakam - by Adi Shankara (Shivoham)

Nov 20 2008

A few months back, as I sat meditating one day, after something that happened that caused me to feel very disturbed... I watched how "I" dissolved when I meditated, and yet every time I went back into thoughts.. the "I" started rising like flames of a fire.

I began to play with this.. brought back the thoughts and "I", as a daughter, mother, wife grew stronger.. when I relaxed back into the bliss of meditation.. "I" dissolved.. I was not a mother or daughter or wife.

The need to protect my image dissolved.. the need to protect my place as a daughter, as a mother, as a wife did not exist.. and yet when I brought back my thoughts.. like adding fuel to fire.. "I" came roaring back.. the more thoughts I added.. the more defined "I" became. The more there was a sense of "me" and "mine",  the more "I" existed, the more protection "I" needed, the more "I" wanted, the more hurt there was,  so much energy went into keeping the "I" in place....

...and once again I immersed in letting go the thoughts and dissolve in meditation.. the "I" vanished. It was an amazing experience.. to see how my thoughts keep "me" in place.

Since then this song has become very meaningful to me. I listen to it very often.. and anytime I go into feeling any kind of discomfort.. I watch the "I" grow.. and I sing this song:

I am not the mind, intellect, thought, ego, or a supreme being.
I myself am the joy of pure consciousness I am Shiva (the silence).


I am not the air (prana) nor a part of essential five gases (pancha vayuhu) nor the seven-fold material (sapta dhatur), I am not part of five coverings (pancha koshaha) that help to build up the personality. Nor am I the five organs of action.
I myself am the joy of pure consciousness I am Shiva (the silence).


I am not attached to any punya (righteousness) or paapa (sin); I have neither pleasure (sukhya) nor sorrow (dukham); I don't need Mantra or pilgrimages (tirtham) or  sacred scriptures (veda) or sacrifice or rituals (yagnaha); I am neither the meal (bhojanam) nor the one who consumes (bhojyam) or what is consumed (bhokta);
I myself am the joy of pure consciousness I am Shiva (the silence).


I do not need  Dharma (Law of Life), Artha (Wealth), Kama (Desires) and Moksha (Liberation). I have no fear of death, nor do I have caste distinctions; I am neither a father (pita) nor a mother (maata).. I was never born; I am neither kin/relatives (bandhu). nor friend (mitram); I am not a guru and nor am I a disciple (shishya).
I myself am the joy of pure consciousness I am Shiva (the silence).

I am free of thoughts and beyond imagination (nirvikalpo) since I have no form (nirakara rupo);
I myself am the joy of pure consciousness I am Shiva (the silence).

I would like to share the song that helps dissolve "me" ..  If you have a few mins please do listen to the song... not only are the lyrics beautiful.. but you can really feel the shraddha (devotion) in her voice and the vibrations of the Sanskrit words dissolving you.

This is the version of the song I listen to: its called ATMASTAKAM from the album Chant of Shiva or more popularly known as Shivoham Shivoham ... it makes me melt into nothing when the "I" gets strong..


A more western version of the same song:
DEVA PREMAL - SHIVOHAM SHIVOHAM

Here are the Sanskrit words to the song (in red) and the English translations (in blue)

Mano buddhya-hankara chittani naham
Na cha shrotra jihve, na cha ghrana netre
Na cha vyoma bhumirna tejo na vayuhu
Chidananda rupah shivoham shivoham . (1)

I am not the mind, intellect, thought, ego, or some form of the supreme being; I neither have ears, nor tongue and I neither have nose (nostrils) nor eyes; I am not the sky, earth, light or the wind; I am the fortunate, joyful, supreme being who is the very emblem of truth, knowledge and eternal bliss.
I am consciousness and bliss. I am Shiva, I am Shiva.

Na cha prana sangno na vai pancha vayuhu
Na va sapta dhatur na va pancha koshaha
Na vak pani padau na chopastha payoo
Chidananda rupah shivoham shivoham .(2).

I am not the most essential air that everyone breathes. Nor a part of essential five gases related to bodily functions (which are Prana, Aparna, Vyana, Udana and Samana). I am not the seven-fold material (Rasa, Rakta, Mamsa, Medas, Asthi,Majja and Shukra) that help in body's physical development, I am not part of five coverings that help to build up the personality (food, air, mind, knowledge or wisdom and pleasure). Nor am I the five organs of action (which are speech/mouth, hands, feet, reproductive and rectum), I am the fortunate, joyful, supreme being who is the very emblem of truth, knowledge and eternal bliss.

I am consciousness and bliss. I am Shiva, I am Shiva.

Na me dvesha ragau na me lobha mohau

Mado naiva me naiva matsarya bhavah

Na dharmo na chartho na kamo na mokshah

Chidananda rupah shivoham shivoham .(3).

I have no likes or dislikes; Not I have any greed or delusion; I have no pride or arrogant vanity; Nor am I jealous of anyone or in competition with anyone ; I do not need the four main necessities of life (which are Dharma (Law of Life), Artha (Wealth), Kama (Desires) and Moksha (Liberation); I am the fortunate, joyful,supreme being who is the very emblem of truth, knowledge and eternal bliss.

I am consciousness and bliss. I am Shiva, I am Shiva.

Na punyam na papam na saukhyam na dukham

Na mantro na tirtham na veda na yagnaha

Aham bhojanam naiva bhojyam na bhokta

Chidananda rupah shivoham shivoham .(4).

I am not attached to any righteousness or sin; I have neither pleasure nor sorrow; I have no need for any Mantra; I have no need for pilgrimages ; I have no need for any sacred scriptures; nor do I perform any sacrifise or rituals; I am neither the meal nor the one who consumes or what is consumed;

I am the fortunate, joyful,supreme being who is the very emblem of truth, knowledge and eternal bliss.
I am consciousness and bliss. I am Shiva, I am Shiva.

Na me mrutyu shanka na me jati bhedah

Pita naiva me naiva mata na janma

Na bandhur na mitram gurur naiva shishyah

Chidananda rupah shivoham shivoham .(5).

I have no fear of death, nor do I have caste distinctions; I neither have a father nor mother because I was never born; I have neither kin/relatives nor friends; I have no gurus and nor am I a disciple; I am the fortunate, joyful, supreme being who is the very emblem of truth, knowledge and eternal bliss.
I am consciousness and bliss. I am Shiva, I am Shiva.

Aham nirvikalpo nirakara rupo

Vibhur vyapya sarvatra sarvendriyanam

Sada me samatvam na muktir na bandhah

Chidananda rupah shivoham shivoham .(6).

I am free of thoughts and beyond imagination since I have no form; I am all pervading and exist everywhere; I am the king of all sense-organs; I am always impartial to everything and everyone,; I am free from everything and I have no attachment to anything; I am the fortunate, joyful, supreme being who is the very emblem of truth, knowledge and eternal bliss.

I am consciousness and bliss. I am Shiva, I am Shiva.