Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Five Stages.

Dec 18 2007

I've gone through what seems like 5 stages so far in this lifetime.

The first stage was the phase where I had no concept of spirituality. There was God and religion. Yoga was a set of stretching exercises that kept your body fit and meditation was a technique used to calm the mind and relax, reduce stress. Spirituality was something that happened to the yogis and holy men dressed in saffron clothing and lived somewhere in the Himalayas.

Then I got introduced to spirituality and the wonders of visions and siddhis and bliss and finding God.... with that came trying to "get" and wanting to achieve and looking for signs that it works and aiming for a goal.. etc I realized yoga was more than just a bunch of stretching exercises and meditation was wayyyyy more powerful than just a stress reducing technique.

Then I came to a stage where I realized there was a mind, an ego and I tried to understand my mind with my mind. . I also got tired of trying and looking and kinda realized I had to stop looking and do my practice without any expectations. I had to let go and let flow. These were still concepts and I was still trying to get it all with my mind.

Then came the stage where I started watching the mind doing its things and not be involved in it. This involved understanding beyond the mind. , . I could let go and let flow. Everything I was trying to get with my mind, I got without my mind and realized I knew all of this all along.. all I had to do was drop my mind's non-stop commentary/translation/explanation of every second of my life and not be limited to the mind's understanding of everything. Be ready to accept what came my way.. without having to dissect it or explain it or understand it.. and when I stopped trying to "get it" with my mind.. I "got it" without my mind. (Have you ever tried listening to a person or reading something without your mind translating every word for you.. try it.. it really is possible to listen and understand without your mind translating the words for you. Till a while back I did not realize, I never did listen to anyone.. I listened to what my mind thought they were saying.)

And now I seem to be in the fifth stage.. where I realize there is no "me". For some time now, I have been saying.. whatever has to happen will happen, it's all Ma's/God's will and the more we allow and let go.. the less resistance we put up.. the easier it gets for life to flow. For some time now I have also been saying.. I do nothing.. Ma /God does it all. But all this time, I had a concept that life energy/Ma's blessings flowed through me.. I was Shweta, in this body, very much alive. Everything was being done to me, through me... I heard and read many many many times the words "there is no Me"... but just did not get it. Few days back the "me" dropped. There is not just no "I" doing anything.. there is no "I". The best way to explain the experience:

It felt like the invisible man. Just like the clothes and bandage and gloves made him real/visible.. its this form that makes me Shweta.. Just as he is not there when his bandage, hat, gloves, clothes, shoes come off and yet he can do everything... so too the "Me" dissolves when the form Shweta drops and yet I function like I always did. I have a headache.. I feel the pain but I don't live the pain.. I am tired and achy.. every muscle in my body hurts.. but a part of me has no association with it.. there is pain.. which feels like a dream.. I feel it.. but it does not stop me from anything because I am not living it. I feel stress, I get into ego.. then it dissolves and is forgotten. Every morning is a like the first day of my life. If you ask me.. so what did you do yesterday.. my mind kinda goes in a panic (and it's stories.. see you are losing your mind :-D.).. since there is no resident memory of it in my active mind.. and yet if I think I can tell you exactly what I did yesterday with perfect clarity. Living in the present has never been so natural. Once again, it is so hard to put this experience in words.. this is so beyond the mind and so beyond words.

None of these were stand alone phases.. they all kinda merge into each other.. but is a beautiful evolution. It reminds me of the butterfly and Yogani's reference of the butterfly emerging from a cocoon, in his book The Secrets Of Wilder, has a different depth/beauty to it. When I was 37 (loooong years) I looked at my life and thought, I have wasted all these years of my life, if I knew about spirituality earlier I could have lived so much better and had such a productive life and would have found Ma by now.. and today 3 years later.. I feel like the 40 years is such a short period in the life times I have gone through and the years/life times I still have to go through. And would not have wanted even one second of this lifetime to be different. I have never felt so much heartfelt love and gratitude for life.

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